I really missed….

I cannot believe I still cannot fall asleep as soon as my tired limbs land on the bed, and yet I suspect my restless mind might have something to do with it. My head is on full “working mode” and I need some relief, I guess I just kept it inside for so long that now I am bursting with thoughts, emotions and pure anxiety. How could I give up on a part of me? A part of me that used to mean everything, my identity, my only “gift”. What makes me me. I just need to let it out, here of course. I missed the freedom of not caring about who is reading this, if they think this is really good or if they are going to judge me. There is no way I am going to please everyone, even though I have made a mission of it, all my life. I am trying to find my voice again, my true self. Let us see how long it lasts, because we all know I am extremely insecure and scared of being ridiculous. I just missed this feeling of doing something that just feels right.      

Drama, drama and more drama…

As if I didn´t have enough on my plate… oh yes prepare yourself for some more drama people. Sleep hasn´t been my friend lately, and insomnia leads me to the land of crazy thoughts and way too much stress… therefore completing the cycle of craziness that rules this head of mine.

So what the hell is going on? (You might ask) Well is way too complicated and I hate to feed into the web of meanness some people weave around good, nice people like me. (This cocky attitude comes with the new package of “Joana” - in stores today). Let´s just say that sometimes you might do everything right and one single insignificant person can ruin the good things you built for yourself. Why are people so mean? How can someone enjoy causing pain to others? Is it that much fun to watch the fruit of that evil labor? It really must be, because they keep doing it.

Now, I am sure everyone has been through the same situation and you must sympathize with the predicament I’m in. I just really need to let this out and let it go; it is way too ridiculous to keep losing sleep over. The thing that hurts the most is that although it is something completely absurd to believe, if you know me at all, it still raises doubt and tension around and about me. It makes me extremely sad that I cannot be trusted even though I never gave a reason not to. Isn´t it unfair that some jealous act can trouble me this much?

Now what did I learn from this situation? First: you can never be too careful with your mouth; even the most innocent words said with the most caring of intentions can be used towards evil… especially if you´re really kind, you might stir some jealousy feeling on a bitter soul. Second: if you have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about and you know what you say and what you feel, you mustn´t let it get to you as if you have something to redeem yourself for. And thirdly and most importantly, the truth always shows itself in the end and people with a good heart and an open mind will eventually hear your truth and realize that sometimes bad things happen to good people. Period, end of statement.

Live and learn people, that is the moral of the story. I think I can sleep now.

Under Pressure

I suppose it´s been a long time coming. I mean, I´ve been keeping it together for so long that it was bound to happen! I am a drama queen, born and “self-made”. I honestly cannot control the impulse to scream and cry, and I am going to… whilst I pour my petty emotions onto this blog that means so much to me and that I´ve unfortunately forsaken as of late. (see? Drama drama drama).

Changing countries, leaving everything and everyone I have ever known, working hard for a living– basically being a responsible adult… I feel tired, terribly depressed and on the verge of killing the next person that asks me if I am okay. I am FINE, this is what life is supposed to be: problems we all have them, learning is a never ending job and taking charge of your destiny is mandatory in this competitive world. I am figuring things out, everyone expects me to do something great but what if I am suppose to be a boring old cat lady? So much pressure….

It has been a month and a half since the big move, and I honestly haven´t realized what it meant up until now. I took my sweet time and suddenly a tsunami sunk in, and there I go again swimming upstream – this is what I am going through right now! There is so much stuff going on that I am amazed I haven´t broken down in tears (in public) yet.  I have been meditating on a variety of subjects that have come to my attention lately, and that is probably why I feel so confused and frustrated… I just need to focus and insist on keeping the dream alive, all the other stuff is white noise (that is deafening). Oh well, we shall see!!!!

“Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results” Albert Einstein (Part 2)

But I picked myself up and dust myself off, like they say, but still I wondered Am I insane?

I was overdue to finish this post but for me it´s so hard to open up and I always need more time to reflect on what I want to share, what I need to let go and maybe help someone on the way.

Well these two weeks were a test, a really hard test that I was obligated to endure and figure out if all my training in self control and patience were really working out. I have to tell you, I was so scared of what could happen to me if I lost control; I freaked so much I wanted to give up and leave my house so I could avoid conflict. Well, I decided I shouldn´t, I have been working on myself so much, trying to be more forgiven and patient, so I owed it to myself; I realized this was part of my path to reach the next level, and I needed it. I hanged on tough and I felt incredible! When I felt the pressure, the provocations that used to make me blow up didn´t worked anymore, I smiled proudly in the face of the enemy and relaxed at last, I felt at peace. Since then, every day I wake up and feel amazing, I don´t feel sad and empty no more; I swear to you I feel the presence of my grandpa, stronger than ever, here on my shoulder supporting and watching me, I feel powerful. I am no longer scared of the future or what may happen because I had the proof I am in the way to become who I want to be.

www.dustincox.us

Now here´s the lesson I took from this experience: if you want to be happy, but really truly happy, you just need to want it more than anything you have and will ever want in life. But I really mean it people, you might think “what a cliché”, it is but it couldn´t be more true. I tell you more, I was sick for 6 years of my life (I was just 17 and now I am almost 24), I was so sick I didn´t even realized how much. Most people judge me for the time I “lost” but that is just ignorance, depression is real and it hurts like hell. It took me 6 years and the lost of my dad to realize I had been dormant, I hadn´t been living at all; I was crippled because I blame it all on others but mostly I blamed it on myself, and that was always there putting me down. Oh I was stupid; I totally made myself insane with all the pain I had let fill my heart, for all those years; and this last year I finally open my eyes to reality and saw that I needed to deal with the truth. You can´t change what you don´t acknowledge; you have a disease you need to treat it, like in the AA, and this was the beginning of a long journey of self discovery and recover. I dove in all the dark places I had hidden all my sorrows and turned them upside down; I felt injustice had befallen me, I felt I was betrayed, felt rage, hate, unbearable pain, loneliness, I felt all of this over and over has I walked through every single thing that had stopped me from living my life (part of it was noticeable on all my previous posts). It was so awful to realize I had wasted years hating myself for things I had no control over, and blaming people for their choices and the way they affected me in the past. Why do we focus so much in what it could be than in what it can actually be? It is just the way we were raised to be, I think. And this is when I introduced Buddhism into my life; I needed something to help me understand what I was doing wrong, and consequently the reason why I felt down every single day. And that is the journey I am still making on my own, and that I intent to share with you, step by step.

So now I wrap it up with my conclusion on this particular topic. Insanity is a tricky word, and it shouldn´t be used lightly, but the reality is that sometimes people make you feel crazy because they can, and you shouldn´t let them. Doing the same thing over and over again will not lead you into the path of happiness, open up your mind and reevaluate your life; let the bad things go and once you reach the point where those don´t bother you anymore, that is when you know you´re being successful in turning your life around. This applies to everyone. And I will share some interesting things you are probably doing and shouldn´t and could definitely make a difference.

“Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results” Albert Einstein

For my first post of 2014, in English no less, I decided to begin introducing you to my world of “recently found” inner peace; meaning my journey through the Buddhist philosophy. Now don´t you abandon me here, I am not trying to spread the word of the Lord (nor am I trying to insult your religion or belief)! This is me, my belief and my life´s philosophy, I expect no one to follow me, and I just want to put it out there that there are other paths to happiness and serenity. Since I find that most people with less than a high school education are very narrow-minded, at least here in Portugal, I decided to discuss my system of beliefs in English - mostly to avoid being labeled “the infidel” of my hometown (Yeah that happens). (Note that I said most, I know a few wise adults that don´t need to speak English to accept me, since education is also practiced at home). For you my “better” educated friends: read and interpret as you like.

Like I have said in my last post, in Portuguese, I am thankful for 2013 because even though I lived in hell for most of it - and believed me, I wish no one the task that was bestowed upon me - I came through alive. Oh my friends but it was more than live that was pounding inside me, it was something I haven´t felt since I was a little child: it was happiness. Not the happiness you feel when you have a particular exceptional honor/present/day, or when you fall in love, no no no it was that amazing no-reason-why-but-truly-pure happiness. Have you ever felt that? Think hard is not as easy of an answer as you might think.

So, how did I achieve that holy state? you say. Well, I have a story bigger than life for you, and I will tell it (because I will write a book about it, and it will change life´s, or so I hope). But for my first step into the spotlight I will discuss a particular live lesson I learnt and have been reflecting upon a lot, the past couple of weeks. The concept of insanity that entitles my text today is a “nice way” to put it, has we do use the term “insanity” very loosely and it actually isn´t. If I were a psychologist I would probably say it is a very serious disease and it should not be used as slang, but since I am a “thinker” (you know I have an ego, let it go I have come to the conclusion that a grand percentage of “insane people” are actually the most sane and happy ones. Now think about it: they live in their one world, they are actually are happy and content there but we are so afraid of the “crazy” that we must pump them with pills and tell them they are the ones in the wrong. Who´s to say what´s what? Have you seen “A Beautiful Mind”? I know the dude eventually contributed immensely to some physics theories but he went through hell and back! All that pressure from a world that wanted to make him feel absolutely bunkers, at which they succeed grandly, reducing a genius to a human mop in no time. It took him years of self control to finally be accepted as normal! That is completely absurd to me, who wouldn´t like to be evolved in a great conspiracy? and who´s to say he wasn´t and the govern was actually trying to cover their prints? I am just saying, open up your mind a bit!

But what does that has to do with me? Well, because I too was led to believe for years that I was a bit insane, not for professionals but for people close to me and whose opinion was oh so important in my mind. It is easy to fall into other people´s opinion of us, and interiorize it as being the absolute truth, and I admit I was too weak to rebel against the tide so I was washed out by the waves.

(End of Part 1)

Entry 12#

Lately I haven´t been able to write, not for lack of time or will but sometimes I feel scared and doubt myself and my capacities – basically I can´t fail. Still my calling seems to follow me, even when I am trying to avoid it, and I have been getting signals that I should just do it and get it all out.

 Yesterday was a tough day for me, there´s a tradition in which the people gather and grieve their loved ones who have passed, like we are all obligated to go there and cry even if we don´t want to. I surely didn´t! I just tend to do everything my away and against everyone’s’ way. After years of a way too long battle I won, my family accepts and respects my wishes and believes, and no longer try to change me into their Christian ways. I have nothing against Christians or any other belief system; it is just not for me, period and end of sentence. So there I was enjoying my afternoon all by myself and I find myself thinking of my grandpa once again.

I should make a note here, lately I have been extremely happy and to continue so, I continually forbid myself of thinking too much about him. While this makes me feel selfish and terribly guilty, it also makes me have a sense of security in myself that I haven´t felt for years. I need balance, I need not to feel unhappy all the time because that was making me insane, and insane I will not be sir. I may repress some feelings but at least I live a little more than the day before and that is all I have right now. I need to be strong for my family and my friends, and I will be nothing but strong from now on.

Still yesterday was hard to keep my head from listening to what my heart was saying so loudly. I miss him damn it and I feel like someone ripped away my stupid heart and it will never be full, ever again! If God exists than he must hate me, because I do not deserve this horrible pain that chokes me every time I want to take a deep breath. I just needed him more than ever, i wanted to cry but I have cried so much I have fewer tears to shed so everything was bottling down inside me and i tried to go through my day as usual. But today I was bursting with pain; behind a smile I had a loud scream scratching my throat. Then someone asked me about the watch, my knees shook and my voice faded, and my eyes shone and for minutes showed the truth I was trying to suppress all day long. But I hung tough, I smiled and hung in there, whilst inside I was scratching and clawing to my heart, to make me strong. Then the painting, the painting I used in my first article, it was so much meaning to me, so much – like a knife that pain went through my soul and crushed my frail spirit. I hung in there until I was alone, so I cried and cried, all the frustration of my pain just came out silently and I felt a tiny little ant in a huge and scary world. In those moments I feel like I am so vulnerable anyone could strike me right on the heart and I would let them kill me there and then. I am a fool.

Yesterday I was eating a toast with jam. That jam always takes me back, to when I was just a toddler; I was on vacation with my family and I remember we had breakfast on the hotel and there would be little containers with that same jam. I loved me, still do! I remember the beach, the sun, the water, the laughter and the happiness of those moments together. We are a family, ups and downs like all but we love each other more than everything. I never knew what true love meant until I lost the man that taught me all I know, all I am, all I will ever aspire to be. Suddenly all these moments make sense, finally, they do. This is why I always remember my vacations when I eat jam, because they are associated in my mind to comfort, security and happiness. I was blessed, truly blessed and I never knew how much my love. I blame myself for not telling you, every second of every day, how lucky I am for having a father that loved me more than I ever deserved. Loved me even though I was not his daughter, loved me more than that. I wish I could tell you right now. I wish these tears would leave and bring you back to me. But I will love you forever and the warmth that lasts in my heart at the end of the day, tell me i don´t need to suffer no more, you live here, in my heart. 

Don´t go breaking my heart

It has been quite a while since my last post in English, as you can see I am very active – posting wise – but only in Portuguese, so I need to restore the balance. Today I noticed something weird that if it is in fact true, it is freaky as hell. Most of the blog´s traffic comes from America! I still strongly believe that this thing is probably broken, but if it isn´t please give a shout-out, or whatever… *crickets come in now*… Oh and apparently Russia likes me too – which is scary as well as impossible, I just thought it was pretty funny.

On a sadder but definitely more interesting note, today´s subject is my catastrophic yet amusing love life. Oh lord why wouldn´t you buy me a freaking Mercedes Benz? (Oh no ya didn´t) oh yes I did! My life has already inspired me to write a considerable collection of novels, though i´ll never reveal how many. It is a sad and instructive roll of disappointments, heart aches and tears (accompanied by the consumption of gallons of chocolate whilst watching cheesy romantic comedies). What prompted me to dish some dirt on this theme? I was navigating through my favorite fashion blogs when I came across this sincere and touching story of love and incredible pain, and I though wow she is totally right, it is important for us women to share this stuff – it sucks to feel I am the only woman stupid enough to repeat the same mistakes. I am definitely not.

I too have loved and lost all my life, yes all my life. It all started when the only man who is suppose to love me forever left me for no good reason - a shout out to bobo the sperm guy peps! Since then I live in constant fear that if I give myself to anyone they´ll end up leaving me too. Another funny thing about this “daddy issues” fun stuff is the part when I always fall desperately in love with men who resemble my father in the worst way. Irresponsible, egotistical and evil men that make me fly over the moon one day and the next leave me drowning on my own tears, god it is annoying! Then, I drive myself crazy with the suspicion of betrayal until the day the bastard leaves me, in the precise moment I am going through the motions of a dangerous rollercoaster of self loathing and depression. I am so tired and yet so helpless in the face of this behavioral pattern! Worst of all, I am starting to realize I like the pain.

So, to deviate myself from all this degradation and consequent depression, I am taking this time (now that I am thankfully single), to rearrange my priorities. I am analyzing my past mistakes and making sure I am ready to meet the man I deserve. Therefore I will tell you some things I learned and that hopefully will be useful for me and for you as well. First of all, don´t confuse helpful tips with subtle critics your man gives you, for example when he says “that skirt doesn´t match those shoes” (danger: he could also be gay) or “you will get fat if you keep eating this away” or “when you get pregnant you better find a way to stay thin”- run. Yeah I know how absurd it seems but love is deafening and at the time I took it as a constructive criticism. Second, if he refuses to introduce you to his friends or family, or both - it is almost certain that he sees you as a temporary fling – hide. Third, if the man fails to fulfill his “duty” – if you know what I mean – do not take it as a personal offence. He is probably a repressed homosexual using you as a beard (true story) – definitely do not seek. I could go on and on, but I guess what I am trying to say is that if your man does not treat you as a queen every single day, if he doesn´t make you feel special, beautiful and sexy – then do not give him another minute, it is one too many. Do not lower your expectations just because your heart was broken, just move on. There is plenty of fish in the sea and I know there is a pot for every lid (it´s something my mom says).

Life is wonderful when you are in love, and I will never stop believing in it – but the most important thing is to love yourself before others, it is the only way to be strong and fight for what you deserve. 

Entry 10#

So, a few days ago (to be optimistic) I was all excited about my blog and therefore created another one where I would write only in Portuguese - which backfire because I accidentally deleted my last post, I know silly! It is up again though and I just one blog for now... I guess I am going through a strange phase in my life where I want to do it all like I used to but it is just too much, too fast.

I just want a clean cut, a blank canvas, hope towards the future which is not the case at this point! It is frustrating but as time goes by -and I assure myself that the most important thing right now is to get better - I feel so much happier. I know I am being the laziest person in the whole world; seriously I am living in my pj´s! I just feel that I can´t move one muscle no more, much less exercise my brain- so I am pretty sure my IQ has frighteningly dropped! Oh my... But I am happier and more relaxed than ever, I have been sleeping sooo much (it is so strange). 

All silliness and laziness aside, I have been reflecting about many thing these days, not only about me me me... Serious things have been troubling me and at the same time making me want to get serious about what I want in life, I just have to admit that I am unhappy with my life choices - choices that led me here even though I am grateful for how they impacted and changed who I am. I need to feel accomplished and happy in order to get what I want from life, which is simply just making it. I don´t shot for the stars anymore,  just want a home and food (maybe a computer lol) - just riding this freaking storm called life.

So this entry is not a special update but I really haven´t been doing much these days, like I said just sleeping and feeling happy - I suck I know... Maybe tomorrow I´ll get inspired and write something good, we´ll see... Life is hard some days...

tumblr_m9gwb8tAqW1rdgvgto1_500

Entry 9#

I am the worst person at sticking to anything at all, ain´t I? I say I will have a blog and it will be a place to exercise my writing skills (yeah I am very presumptions about it lol some days) but I just don´t write as much as I would like… I say I will be this or that but the next day I change my mind… I say I want to exercise and I do it and the next day I feel I can´t move a muscle! Am I normal or I am so completely wacko I just don´t see it? I kid :D … I guess we all feel lost at some point, I just need to find my balance again…

These days I have been feeling less confident about myself and what makes me be me and not just another sheep! It seems I went back in time and am 18 again, lost in this confusing world and not knowing “what the hell am I suppose to do with my life?” It is frustrating and annoying, and sooo complicated! I just hate to feel this away - it´s like all I have done to get where I was - meant nothing, and I just can´t settle for that… So I do my prolonged meditations (and try not to go insane) as time goes by, too quickly for everything I must do, so I don´t do it! It is just not fair. I forget everything and I feel old lol. I might just be the crankiest old lady ever! Lool… But I am alive and that is quite the nice feeling…

I do have a tone of ideas - the most ridiculous and annoying things to comment upon just seem to fly to my lap nowadays lol, it is true! But I don´t feel confident enough to put myself out there again and just say it… I need to be braver and just do it. They say it is only hard the first time…

I have been resting a lot which makes me wake up happier and so energetic (so great)! I feel happier with the way I look, I am so much closer to the way I used to look! People seem nicer these days as well lol it doesn´t seem much but it makes me feel easier about my future. Overall I feel more calm and serene. I hope I do follow through with my plans for the blog, I have so many thing note down to complain about lol. Just waiting for that inspiration lol… 

What hurts the most

I can feel how much you miss me… when you look for me with those hungry eyes of yours and don´t find me waiting. Those love hungry eyes that scream how much you need me...

On those long lonely nights when you close your eyes and think I am there… only finding the cold lonely sheets and the smell I left …

I´ll never be there, I cannot lay there… no more… Don´t look for me, I am long gone… I lied... I cannot love, I don´t have a heart…

I am not there, I did not die....

“Do not stand at my grave and weep,

I am not there; I do not sleep.

I am a thousand winds that blow,

I am the diamond glints on snow,

I am the sun on ripened grain,

I am the gentle autumn rain.

When you awaken in the morning’s hush

I am the swift uplifting rush

Of quiet birds in circling flight.

I am the soft starlight at night.

Do not stand at my grave and cry,

I am not there; I did not die.”

Mary Elizabeth Frye

It feels so nice to finally feel the warm sun on my face and to enjoy the blue bright sky all day long. It is amazing, automatically the weight on my shoulders got so much easier to carry. The sun is the best remedy after all, or maybe it´s the culmination of all the wonderful things that have been happening in my life – some of which came has a nice surprise. Ultimately it doesn´t matter what or who, just that I feel good! Damn I haven´t felt good for so so long, I can´t remember the last time I was at peace like this… A good 2 years or so…. Life is funny that way.

I was, for the billion time, thinking that I am an awful person for feeling good when I know there is a person that I love that has died, obviously I can´t be happy knowing it isn´t fair that I am here happy and he isn´t. Once in a while this poem comforts me, because this is how I feel about death and how I would like for people to feel when I am gone as well. Death is just a part of life and even though the “body” isn´t here anymore, the essence or soul, lives in us and it always will. The gift my dad gave me is in everything I do and in all I am, my life has a new meaning now I know how much family means to me, and they are all I need. I should appreciate life more - life is for the living, I know that but it still hurts so much! – I know he would like for me to have a wonderful happy and fulfilled life, because he knows I love him eternally.

I just wanted to leave this poem for you today... for you to think a little about it.. sometimes we need to. 

Entry 8#

These last couple of days have been weird, well not that I don´t usually have weird days lol but these are feeling way different. The change that as come upon me hasn´t been easy to "take", every day I feel like I need to think through my feelings and make sure that I am giving myself what I need, what I now want. It sounds even weirder now but it´s been confusing this journey of self-discovery, and I hope I get the hang of it soon lol, I am so tired... 

Lately I have been changing my diet, which was something I never really cared for, but since I reduced my meat intake gradually, this past year, I now need a more balenced diet. I keep trying new recepies and mixture of ingredients (that I just try on my own lol), and I am really enjoying food and eating right. Since I felt ill I begun to eat toast and cappuccinos and sweets all day, I rarely ate "real food". Therefore I have been considering make posts, when I prepare a new meal lol, to post pictures here - you know like a typical personal blog lol... Since this is all in reference to me and getting better I think it could be interesting... 

"Girl at Mirror" by Norman Rockwell

The past weekend I began shopping for clothes again, which is a wonderful sign (yeah!). I have been loving to be alone with myself, to let my mind wonder, to read with passion again and write more about things that really matter to me (which for now are personal and hidden lool) and finally I enjoy look at the mirror and see me there. To take care of me, to take long baths and cover myself with crèmes and powders and lipstick lol, and choose cool clothes that make me feel confident - I missed feeling good just walking down the street and going to classes and not try to hide my face.

Hence the painting, I love art as you probably know, and I love painting and the traditional canvas paintings and all that jazz (My love for Van Gogh is clear). I recently discover this painter and this picture really inspired me - so innocent and pure, so much of what childhood should be of what I wanted it to be… And sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and see me in my “purest” state and I cry silently… It´s not a bad thing, it´s a “me thing”…

Finally I would love to share my new "thing" which is yoga respiration, and yoga in general lol - it takes a lot of preparation to do so... For now I am just learning to breath right, never knew I was doing it wrong! And I have just started yesterday but today I already felt a tiny difference while I was waking up and taking a long breath, I felt more at peace and happy! This just might work :D 

I´ll keep you posted

Entry 7#

I have been opening and closing my blog´s window so many times the last few days I wonder why it didn´t broke yet! It is not that that I am having an off moment, artistically wise, but I feel a little scare and in some ways like a brand new person that does not know how to express herself (I am not even sure if I am making myself clear). I told you before I was experiencing a new phase in my life and it feels completely different from everything I lived before. Maybe that is why I am a little shy about this change, but things are moving on so fast that I don´t feel comfortable yet. It´s not a question of self-doubt, because I know who I am and what I want, it´s just me trying to accept the fact that I am happy. I know this sounds weird but I have a tendency to feel extremely guilty towards my own happiness for I yet haven´t accomplish the impossible task, that I force on myself, to see everyone I love happy too. But that is a little problem I will deal as I always do… 

Vicent Van Gogh - "Sunflowers"

On a happier note I am truly and less culpable, happy and that is such an amazing feeling. I just wish I could say this words without sounding like a cliché but instead as an incentive to you, if you don´t feel particularly in love with your current self at the moment (as I was), to change your mind. Find a balance in my life is almost always impossible, up until now at least, I am always going back to my old routines and I suffocate with frivolous things in the hopes I forget why I don´t like who I am. Since I started this blog, and I have stated it here before, all of that changed slowly and I have been searching, up till the ends of my soul, to pour out my essence into words (discovering that it is the best therapy in the market). Now I know that those of you, that do not know me in person, will think I write publicly to make my friends like me or to be more popular… it is quite the contrary, since the people who do know me in person think they know me at all and therefore do not need to read my blog, for curiosity sake or otherwise (I write about other things apart from myself – not lately that is all). I sure love to prove them wrong, and for my own benefit, coming clean and really taking up on myself to change and improve my well-being (only and solely for my benefit) as shown to be extremely satisfactory. Or in other words, just what I needed to really begin a new chapter - and what I have always hoped – as the woman I want to be and not the adolescent and quite insecure person I used to be.  

Find the reason to love being alone with yourself - I find myself surprisingly entertaining (in my own head), don´t attach yourself to another person if you haven´t defined yourself as one and finally analyze the people in your life and feel comfortable in choosing the one´s that really contribute to your happiness instead of those you talk on your back (it takes time to know that so just be very cautious). And that is my recipe for happy new me :D.

Just learn to value yourself, I can´t stress this enough, because it took me a long time to realize that was my problem all along. If you are in a tight spot like I was and can´t really see yourself anymore just remember that what matters is what makes you truly happy – any other half feeling isn´t enough! And I am a good listener…

See you later yall :D