Entry 4#

Seems that misery does love company, you guys enjoy my crazy diaries more than my random thoughts about random things. I am sooo random. Yet since you are enjoying it so much, let me spread a little more misery here - not lol. I am sorry.

Well this few days actually have been a little better, after my breakdown in classes I got all RAMBO! You know what I mean? I am not let them make me cry anymore! THIS IS WAR! I am prepared to go for it and I did! I actually presented a poem on Friday which wasn´t half bad – I got the essential idea and I loved the poem! Just wished I hadn´t presented it with my boyfriend, because (if you don´t know him) he is a genius and made a spectacular presentation! If you do know him don´t tell him because he knows how good he is, he does not need me telling him that again… It is hard to date an artist when you are kind of an artist yourself. We defend our opinions strongly and we disagree a lot lol which is what makes us happy. Yes, we are a crazy couple! In the end I felt better about myself because I was capable of talking for 20 minutes without losing my train of thought, which hasn´t happened for a long time. YES I AM COMING BACK BRAIN!

Today I had trouble sleeping, yet again, so I went shopping of course! I bought some cute things :D that always makes my day. Yes I am a shopaholic sometimes lol. If you haven´t read this before people, I am all sorts of crazy.

So I am sorry today I am not miserable but I do hope you enjoy my happiness with me! Wasn´t that my first argument? Yeah you see? Random…. And now I am preparing for the worst time of the year by gathering as many books as possible, so I can involve myself in other worlds and ignore the merry all around. I AM NOT MERRY!!!! No need to be mad at me, I respect all so for those of you that enjoy Christmas lots of joy and happiness and presents and all of that for you…

“In one year they sent a million fighters forth

         South and North,

And they built their gods a brazen pillar high

         As the sky

Yet reserved a thousand chariots in full force—

         Gold, of course.

O heart! oh blood that freezes, blood that burns!

         Earth's returns

For whole centuries of folly, noise and sin!

         Shut them in,

With their triumphs and their glories and the rest!

         Love is best. “

Love Among The Ruins, Robert Browning  

(Wonderfull poem I analysed - just the last stanza look for it if you are interested. The painting was inspired by the poem it is "Love Among The Ruins" by Burne Jones)

Entry 3#

Well, this couple last of days have been a mixed of good and bad feelings. I really tried to see the good side of things but it is hard when a person has to take a hundred pills to fell alive! I mean it is a lot to handle on my own! Most people on my life don´t know or comprehend a quarter of what I have to go through every single day. It is a struggle just to get up and get out. I feel overwhelmed with the torments that haunt my mind.

These last few days have been very hard for me to manage and control my actions; I realized I have been in a state of unconsciousness until now. All of the sudden everything comes like a tornado and turns my head upside down! I have been anxious and low and so powerless. I feel like I cannot do anything, even If I tried.

I feel on the hedge of having a nervous breakdown, and I possible will because my head is exploding just thinking about everything I have to do. It is too much!

Now…  Good things? Men, is it hard to see the light when you feel so blue. I guess I feel that by forcing myself to attend more classes, it helped me to come back to the real world. I have been enjoying some movies I have seen lately - that always keeps my mind occupied. I am tired just doing those things: my head hurts all the time, I have been suffering a lot with my allergies and other diseases and I haven´t slept well in like a week and a half. Things have been chaotic. I am even ashamed to admit I broke into tears in a class today because the teacher told me I wasn´t going to do the project therefore I would fail that subject. It was just the accumulation of things on my mind, and I could not kept that awful box locked in the closet.

(Not mine I haven´t kept my promise today but I lack of imagination these days and honestly I am too tired. I just want my capuccino and sleep)

After all this bad aura I still feel like I have strength enough to power through, I always did and I don´t know why that is.  I feel I can make it, no matter how miserable and how discouraged I feel right now – I sense that I will make it one way or another. I´d call that something really positive. I love my boyfriend, that is always there to dry my tears, and sometimes I feel I have no one else but him. I would like to have friends, sometimes I fell I need a friend or two. On the other hand I guess it wouldn´t make a difference, friends come and go and never ever stay – I am just a bundle of joy. Too much to handle. I am my own friend most of the time, sometimes I am really upbeat and really put myself on the move, other times I just cannot fight my unconscious stupid mind. 

I am really tired now so I am going to sleep because tomorrow it´s going to be a very stressful day so I hope I can rest today. I am crossing my fingers for tomorrow to bring me happier surprises. One day at a time, just keep my head above the water. Hope you guys feel better than me today and I encourage you to tell me good things about your day as well! It is a very good exercise indeed. Love you all.

xoxo

  

(*Lately I have been hearing Maria Callas to fall asleep it has been working so if you are having troubles sleeping it is an idea:) )

Entry 2#

I know technically I should write one of these per day, but what you don´t know is that I wrote the first entry yesterday – and it was a presentation so here I am again.

So yesterday I was writing some stuff for my blog and for the paper (and just for me) – I was relaxing in the puff during my boyfriend´s band rehearsal. I can tell you guys: both Chopin and Flatten clean my mind and make me think straight; I get my best ideas listening to trash metal, isn´t that something? Yeah I am a little bit weird.

So that was fun, I haven´t done that in a long time – it felt familiar and comfortable – perfect place to write for me. And I got a wonderful little present (being the guitarist´s girlfriend has its perks :D) a beautiful handmade candle support – that I wanted for so long! The drummer is very crafty!

(I am also trying to take decent photos to post along with my journals, mainly things I like or things I did and loved to do, something like that. So this is one of my favourite things, my stuff lol. My frame a present handmade by my boyfriend; my lovely budas that always make me take a look at myself before I leave my room - i will explain it later; my night cream lol and the candle support - isn´t it lovely? It is quite incredible the things he can do)

Today was also a good day, even though I felt like sleeping all day, I got up and went to my class. It was painful at first lol but then I rocked my Brian Adams impersonation whilst walking to school (Yeah I sing to myself on the street and I also talk to myself… laugh all you want I have the most amazing conversations with myself – and I am entertaining even if only I get my jokes). Do I need to say a million times I am weird? I am, but who´s normal? What is normal? I do what makes me happy, even if that makes me dance while I walk – whatever I can do I do it!

I was more upbeat when I got to the classroom, I was feeling energized and I wear some clothes I picked up carefully - that made me feel pretty (Yeah I am that kind of person, I care about my image, when I stop caring that´s when problems hit me).  I was rocking my booties – which don´t hurt anymore because of those wonderful gel thingies that are like cushions for my feet! :D

Best part of the day? Realizing people missed me in classes, and here I was thinking that no one noticed that I wasn´t there! That was awesome :)…. And my boyfriend is the most wonderful friend and love I have ever met. He makes me feel loved every day I LOVE YOU SWEETIE, and always tries to make me smile, he makes me happy…

And lots of love to all of you – I feel peaceful today.

Entry 1#

Hey there guys! So I kinda have to write a sort of “diary” where I have to describe at least one good thing that happens to me, every day. I am not a “diary-type” person; I was never able to write more than 4 days in a row and I used to tore the pages out the next day, I swear. Before this blog I wasn´t even able to read anything that I had wrote, ever! Yeah I know I am very insecure, sue me! So I am committing myself to write at least 3 times a week, for now, and unfortunately (or maybe not) for those who read me and don´t understand a word of English it will be a pity lol. Actually no, the pain is on you who will - I am terrible at this. The reason why I write in English, and those who are close to me know this, I do it often when I talk about the deep stuff, the things that you would hear me say in Portuguese with tears on my eyes – it´s not that bad I am just built that way. And I apologize already if I do commit grammatical or any other kind of language errors, I am far from perfect.

You see the thing is I never believed I could ever write something that was worth reading, not even just for me. But suddenly when I opened myself and dedicated myself to put my thoughts and opinions – basically commit to this blog - I discovered that people actually appreciated what I was writing, and I won´t lie, it made me feel great! Besides I never finish anything I start, I am too insecure so I just give up before I can get disappointed. So this was an enormous step for me, and it worth’s every day – it makes me feel good to be appreciated.

As far as my diary goes I will call it “entries” (I hate the “My dear diary” stuff), that may become a book that one day might be called biography lol I am sure I will be very famous by then and these words my friend will make me some serious money yeah :D. You see even in English I try to avoid the touchy subjects – I am a serious nut case. But I was able to maintain the blog, more or less, up-to-date so I am checking this one more challenge on my list – I promise to do the best I can. And as I always always do, be the most honest Joana I can be, because that is my philosophy (but that will make another nice story for another day).

Well this was kind of a presentation to my newest “project” regarding my blog, and maybe -who knows? - I may attract international readers, am I not the greediest little writer you have ever seen? Well it´s my blog, I can dream if I want to! I get a little aggressive too when I write in English lol – and you guys thought I didn´t had any more tricks up my sleeve muahahahah :D. I kid you guys, this thing is a huge step for me and I cannot believe I am actually doing it. So there you go: This is one of the good things of today and I think it is a lot! I promise I will try not to joke so much - because I get a little nervous when I am going to the dark place and try to fetch one beam of light - and keep it smaller and concise because I let myself go easily. Above all I try not to feel the urge of deleting it tomorrow.

My motto these days is live one day at a time and as someone said to me just focusing on “keeping my head out of the water” lol - Portuguese proverbs sound so funny in English. Well that is pretty much it for today my lovely friends and readers – I am crossing my fingers hoping this “thing” works out.

Xoxo

*(Because I love a good old cliché)