Am I Normal?

I went back and fro about how I would wrap up my business after that last post. But I cannot delay it anymore, I am faithful to my readers and I own you a follow up and an update.

Sorrowing Old Man ('At Eternity's Gate')
Vincent van Gogh

First and most important I would like to refer to my last post, which was quite depressing. I am sorry if I let you down or if you lose faith in me, because I lost it too - but I will not remove it. I felt that way and I want to be honest here, always. I am a normal person, I am not perfect but I am what I am and I accept it, truly. I say this all the time, I may have a disease that makes me feel like nothing some days but I would not be what I am without it. It is part of me, it taught me how to be tough and to find within me the strength to fight back when everything is falling apart. Sometimes I want to give up but I always remember I have a purpose in this life, so I need to be here to fulfill it. It is hard to pick up the pieces of a shattered heart but I am learning with every lost.

More important than what I am going through, is what you guys are going through. I mean: you could read my blog and think well what a selfish little brat. I do not deny it lol, even so my purpose with this blog was to say I am here, I am just like you and you don´t need to feel ashamed. Admitting I have a problem that it was not the end of the world and that I just need to find ways to deal with my problems as they come. One day at a time right?

What I want from this blog from now on is to interact more with you readers, feel free to make suggestions, to expose your opinion and to reach out to me, if you feel like I do sometimes. I just close myself so much when I am depressed I just wish someone would come up to me and say: “Tell me how are you feeling” and hearing a “I understand you”. Depression is more common than people like to admit, as if it was something to feel ashamed for, and it isn´t! It is a disease, it is not an excuse to be lazy or not to work or socialize; it is unfair to feel like we are the waste of society – because that is what people make us feel, because they do not understand that the pain is so numbingly exasperating that makes us feel like we have no control over our body and pain is all that exists in the entire world. No words can explain this degree of suffering, it is just too much for one person, so instead of calling your friends or family members: lazy or inept – think a little bit about my words.

No copyright infringement intent, if you own the image e-mail me and I´ll take it down

The best thing that ever happened to me was open up to someone that was going through the same thing as I was. Just for once not to feel obligated to do something I couldn´t do, and don´t feel guilty about giving up on me sometimes. It is better if you are understood and you can only feel understood if the other person knows exactly how you feel. So I really wanted to leave this message here, I understand. Come to me and tell me, it is free, no judgment and you do not have to identify yourself. 

This is what I am, I feel the need to give back not just burst words into a computer and let it set. I want to help.

That is it for today, later I will tell you what has been going on since that post and how I overcome all my fears and powered through and now I feel accomplished and happy. Share…

This song is for us:

 

What´s Up?

Well it´s been a while since my last post, a long long time, and today I decided to be honest and tell you. I do not think many people care about my small and annoying problems, but for those who do I would like to say what has been going on with my life. I write what I know, and right now my life is all I know.

Everything came down on me so fast and so hard I did not have the capacity to process it or even write about it until right now, this precise moment.

You see I always thought of me as a good person, altruistic and even though I am a bit eccentric and “crazy”, I honestly care about everything and everyone. Even so, my karma has not been good to me (I am sure I was a very bad person in my other life) - I had to write this in English because I cannot express my feeling in words unless I believe most people won´t understand me, so I feel comfortable. I have been dealing with a huge and pretty uncomfortable depression since I was 17, which I had under control until April this year. I was mastering on the art of appearing normal and happy – fighting constantly against my urge to give up on me and smile. 

April the 30^th my father died and so did I.

For months I had to deal with loads of problems which I think were unfairly throw at me in a moment of great grief. Grief does not come near to what I felt and still feel, I feel so much rage and despair, I feel I was punished because I was selfish before and I did not get a chance to redeem myself… It was a storm of feeling just suffocating me to the point I could not take anymore. 

Do not feel pity for me because I fought hard, I had to fight so many battles that you cannot imagine but I needed to do it for my family and in honor of my father – I regret nothing and I would do it all over again. I do not accept anyone trying to harm the 3 most important people on my life and I am not afraid of showing who I am and standing my ground – I might hate my life but I would not trade my essence for nothing…

But here I am, almost one year later, telling you I cannot move on. I drop down so fast and so low that now I barely have energy left to explain how I feel. I feel desperate because I do not want to die but I cannot live my life, I just can´t. I feel my brain and my body giving up day after day, and I try so much to get out of this hole but I have no energy left to help myself… I feel that if I move on it means I forgot my father, and I cannot do that! I feel so guilty if for one minute I am not suffering for my lost. I need to keep replaying the memories of my father and just live in my little word of pain. That right now is pretty much all I have, I have no contact or will to return to the real world. I live in a place of my own because most of the day I am numbed by the enormous quantity of prescribed drugs I use, and I pass that time punishing my heart for the loss of the person I love the most in the entire world. I have nothing left, no will, no dreams and no future... 

Sometimes I think about what it would be like to ask for help and have a good and big support system to help me get better and live a normal life – like in the Doctor Phil show. But then I remember that we live in a egoistic world and no one could care enough for me to do that, I honestly haven´t done a thing for people to like me that much. Unfortunately that is the true, and that is why the days go by and the pressure to live is so big that I find myself laid on my bed just praying to all the gods to just take me away… That is what is up… See you later… 

Skrik

Sometimes I wonder what would happen if in the middle of a crowd I would just scream my lungs out? Let all my anguish, sadness and despair out into the world! What would people do? Laugh, Comfort me or Ignore the crazy lady... I ask you...

 

Skirk,  Edvard Munch (1893)

One gesture on behalf of global peace

The other day I bought this candle at the supermarket, I was at the cash register and the little glass object caught my eye. Simple green candle and the words “Um gesto pela paz”, roughly translated into "one gesture on behalf of peace", and it cost me 1€. I didn´t give it much thought at first but then when I got home and place it on my nightstand I began to wonder, like I do all day in my head… What does 1€ and a candle have to do with peace? Well if you are religious you could pray for it, I guess, and the candle could be like a token to which you would direct your prays to. Or you could just lit it and feel warm inside, because you are somehow cheering for peace, you laugh at me but I know people like that lol. But what were my reasons? I couldn´t figure that out….

One thing I know for sure is that even though I feel like I don´t belong and pretty much every day I feel useless and plain awful – I know I have a purpose in life and that is why I am here. I want to make a difference (Yeah like a million people do), I know that but that is my true! I need to change the world, the entire world (yeah I live in a very special place, for crazy people). I want to fight for equality and peace – because I feel that if we could accept each other and respect each other for what we are, then there would be no reason for war and conflict. Of course it is impossible, I know, it is an intrinsic characteristic to the human race: the need for fortune and power. But if I could reach someone, if only I could help people understand the importance of listening to and accept others, I know I could make a difference and I would feel my existence has worth something… I just want to matter, to help someone, to fight for someone, because I feel such an insignificant person I can´t even see the point of doing anything else! Yes I am at that point! I don´t want to have a boring job that pays my bills and have a routine that will end when I die, and probably no one will care much about that. What have I done to contribute to world peace? Nothing yet, I bought a candle…

Someday I might bought another one and continue to live my boring life and dreaming about changing the world… Or maybe I will be someone great, one can only wish… I still can dream… When I don´t have dreams I am probably dead…

Well I hope you enjoyed another one of my upbeat declarations to the world lol… I am sorry if I ruined your day, mine is not better I assure you… I just wish you lots of love and happiness, and unlike me, actually feel you are doing what you are supposed to do… One “hurra” for happiness and fulfillment…