Dia do Pai

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Não quero mentir, mas seriam por volta das 1h30 do dia 19 deste mês que percebi – através das mensagens e declarações de vários amigos aos seus pais, via facebook –que era dia do pai… Sem entender o que estava a acontecer, senti as lagrimas correrem-me pela face, numa angústia desmedida senti a dor no peito que já me é tão amiga e a saudade que me consome tomou conta das minhas emoções. Como se olhasse para mim mesma, numa espécie de “out of body experience”, e comtemplei o meu corpo inerte e a expressão apática que me dançava no rosto. Como poderia ter-me esquecido? Como posso sentir isto agora e por nada? Mas por tanto tempo neutralizei os pensamentos desesperantes da tua perda, numa loucura temporária de tentar manter-me sã - quando sei que continuo e continuarei demente de dor, que tudo fora do meu controlo é agora um intruso, um mero parasita… Mas esta é uma realidade da qual não posso fugir por mais que tente, minto-me todos os dias para poder sobreviver neste mundo, mas neste dia não consegui (será o inicio de uma nova fase?)

Tenho pensado muito sobre o processo de luto, será que estou a fazer isto bem? Haverá alguma maneira de fazer isto bem? Se não, porque é que tanta gente é incompreensiva e intolerante ao meu sofrimento inadvertido? Como é suposto eu saber o que fazer? O maior medo, o mais profundo medo que me assombra desde que consigo articular pensamentos, perder um dos pilares da minha existência: é uma realidade! E é uma realidade demasiado pesada para suportar. Leva muito tempo, quase passou um ano e ainda me vêm as lagrimas aos olhos ao dizer o teu nome e levou-me um ano para passar a fase da negação e ainda estou a debater-me com a fase da dor agoniante – não não fica confortável aqui no coração e não ainda não é apenas uma boa memoria que vive em mim. Mas luto um dia de cada vez para provar que eu te amo pai, fazendo aquilo que tu sempre sonhaste para mim, lutar pelo que me faz feliz e nunca desistir mesmo que as coisas pareçam tao inalcançáveis. E sinto-me um falhanço… E sinto culpa por me sentir culpada de ser feliz…

Por vezes pergunto-me se estou a perder a minha visão neste blog e estou a transformá-lo num festival de pena, na pobre menina que tem tantos problemas e sofre tanto e não completa nenhum projecto… é um bocado triste e absurdo, por outro lado eu escrevo para mim e faço-o pura e honestamente, fiel a mim mesma e não consigo libertar o que me vai na alma de nenhuma outra forma. Se isso faz de mim uma blogger de diário então que seja. Não quero que tenham pena de mim, quero partilhar a minha experiencia e quem sabe mostrar a alguém ai do outro lado que não são os únicos no mundo a sentir isto…

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Queria fazer uma homenagem linda ao meu pai, mas receio que o meu coração está demasiado pisado por esta dor que a tua falta me dá. Não consigo racionalizar o que sinto, não consigo fazer sentido do que a minha cabeça produz e só agora passou a sensação de estar paralisada mas ainda sinto os pensamentos dormentes. Se ou quando passar farei algo mais apropriado. Mesmo assim é um marco importante para mim… admitir a mim mesma que a realidade é esta. Que fingir que estás a chegar a casa, ou que estás no café e que vens mais tarde, não ajuda com as minhas ilusões do que a vida poderia ser se não tivesses partido. E isso é novo e positivo, eu creio, quem sabe o próximo passo será deixar de sentir a culpa, mas isso é muito á frente no livro. Por agora guardo a minha dor e deixo-a cansar-se no meu peito e quando estou sozinha deixo-a correr livre…

Amo-te pai com todas as forças, ainda me recordo dos presentes e poemas que que fazíamos para o dia pai na escola, e como me orgulhava de ter o pai mais inteligente e culto do mundo. Cada vez que fecho os olhos vejo o teu sorriso. Aquele sorriso cheio de amor e orgulho na sua pequena. E isso vale mais que mil palavras. Talvez não exista ninguém no mundo que me compreenda da maneira que tu compreendes pai mas pelo menos tive a sorte de me teres escolhido, para amar e cuidar, sem ti não era quem sou… Não tinhas que fazer nada por mim mas fizeste este mundo e o outro e isso nunca vai morrer… Amo-te… 

 

Voilà, it´s me again

I know, I know I am a lousy blogger but you need to understand my life is hard damn! I know I am a spoiled brat but that is just me lol. Anyway I am back and I do hope to post regularly, for the sake of me because I love talking about me and things that I like, oh selfish little me in my selfish little blog oh well… I kid you* :D I love this….

Well I was thinking so hard about what I should write about I wrote nothing at all, it is frustrating when the only exercise I perform 24/7 is to think, no no it isn´t nice because my thoughts can become very boring…. Like this post…  I have been thinking on writing in Portuguese again but I am not ready and the newspaper is closed for now, so I have nothing important or interesting to tell…

Nonetheless there is a lot on my mind, all the time, and just now I was thinking about enablers – those people in your life that make you believe they are helping you out when in reality they are holding you back. I have had those throughout my life but lately just the one. I was about to let everything go because I was led to believe I was better off giving up! Sometimes things like that happen and you really don´t realize how wronged you were because the package is so innocent looking, (well until they bit you in the arse!) and you fought so much for the ideal of what that person was, that you just go with it. Fortunately for me, karma does not fail me EVER. Believe it or not, karma always delivers… Right when everything was about to fall apart I was saved from the big black hole and today I am here again, coming to you like a warrior exhausted by the fight but ready to go on with this war.

Well you already know that I believe the world revolves around me and I am alone against the world lol I like paradoxes, kill me lol. Put it anyway you like it, I put it: me and everyone like me  keep getting hit in the face but we just won´t quit, we know that is something wonderful waiting for us – never lose hope that is how I would put things. Pick up the pieces and move on and don´t look back, because the past is definitely the past and the future is very promising. For now I am trying to keep my life stable and enjoy the little things as much as possible which sometimes means that I have to neglect other areas of my life lol, but I believe I have it all under control and that is so much more than what I had 2 months ago, so I cannot complain. I am riding life and contemplating the journey… the best is yet to come… see you later 

Am I Normal?

I went back and fro about how I would wrap up my business after that last post. But I cannot delay it anymore, I am faithful to my readers and I own you a follow up and an update.

Sorrowing Old Man ('At Eternity's Gate')
Vincent van Gogh

First and most important I would like to refer to my last post, which was quite depressing. I am sorry if I let you down or if you lose faith in me, because I lost it too - but I will not remove it. I felt that way and I want to be honest here, always. I am a normal person, I am not perfect but I am what I am and I accept it, truly. I say this all the time, I may have a disease that makes me feel like nothing some days but I would not be what I am without it. It is part of me, it taught me how to be tough and to find within me the strength to fight back when everything is falling apart. Sometimes I want to give up but I always remember I have a purpose in this life, so I need to be here to fulfill it. It is hard to pick up the pieces of a shattered heart but I am learning with every lost.

More important than what I am going through, is what you guys are going through. I mean: you could read my blog and think well what a selfish little brat. I do not deny it lol, even so my purpose with this blog was to say I am here, I am just like you and you don´t need to feel ashamed. Admitting I have a problem that it was not the end of the world and that I just need to find ways to deal with my problems as they come. One day at a time right?

What I want from this blog from now on is to interact more with you readers, feel free to make suggestions, to expose your opinion and to reach out to me, if you feel like I do sometimes. I just close myself so much when I am depressed I just wish someone would come up to me and say: “Tell me how are you feeling” and hearing a “I understand you”. Depression is more common than people like to admit, as if it was something to feel ashamed for, and it isn´t! It is a disease, it is not an excuse to be lazy or not to work or socialize; it is unfair to feel like we are the waste of society – because that is what people make us feel, because they do not understand that the pain is so numbingly exasperating that makes us feel like we have no control over our body and pain is all that exists in the entire world. No words can explain this degree of suffering, it is just too much for one person, so instead of calling your friends or family members: lazy or inept – think a little bit about my words.

No copyright infringement intent, if you own the image e-mail me and I´ll take it down

The best thing that ever happened to me was open up to someone that was going through the same thing as I was. Just for once not to feel obligated to do something I couldn´t do, and don´t feel guilty about giving up on me sometimes. It is better if you are understood and you can only feel understood if the other person knows exactly how you feel. So I really wanted to leave this message here, I understand. Come to me and tell me, it is free, no judgment and you do not have to identify yourself. 

This is what I am, I feel the need to give back not just burst words into a computer and let it set. I want to help.

That is it for today, later I will tell you what has been going on since that post and how I overcome all my fears and powered through and now I feel accomplished and happy. Share…

This song is for us:

 

What´s Up?

Well it´s been a while since my last post, a long long time, and today I decided to be honest and tell you. I do not think many people care about my small and annoying problems, but for those who do I would like to say what has been going on with my life. I write what I know, and right now my life is all I know.

Everything came down on me so fast and so hard I did not have the capacity to process it or even write about it until right now, this precise moment.

You see I always thought of me as a good person, altruistic and even though I am a bit eccentric and “crazy”, I honestly care about everything and everyone. Even so, my karma has not been good to me (I am sure I was a very bad person in my other life) - I had to write this in English because I cannot express my feeling in words unless I believe most people won´t understand me, so I feel comfortable. I have been dealing with a huge and pretty uncomfortable depression since I was 17, which I had under control until April this year. I was mastering on the art of appearing normal and happy – fighting constantly against my urge to give up on me and smile. 

April the 30^th my father died and so did I.

For months I had to deal with loads of problems which I think were unfairly throw at me in a moment of great grief. Grief does not come near to what I felt and still feel, I feel so much rage and despair, I feel I was punished because I was selfish before and I did not get a chance to redeem myself… It was a storm of feeling just suffocating me to the point I could not take anymore. 

Do not feel pity for me because I fought hard, I had to fight so many battles that you cannot imagine but I needed to do it for my family and in honor of my father – I regret nothing and I would do it all over again. I do not accept anyone trying to harm the 3 most important people on my life and I am not afraid of showing who I am and standing my ground – I might hate my life but I would not trade my essence for nothing…

But here I am, almost one year later, telling you I cannot move on. I drop down so fast and so low that now I barely have energy left to explain how I feel. I feel desperate because I do not want to die but I cannot live my life, I just can´t. I feel my brain and my body giving up day after day, and I try so much to get out of this hole but I have no energy left to help myself… I feel that if I move on it means I forgot my father, and I cannot do that! I feel so guilty if for one minute I am not suffering for my lost. I need to keep replaying the memories of my father and just live in my little word of pain. That right now is pretty much all I have, I have no contact or will to return to the real world. I live in a place of my own because most of the day I am numbed by the enormous quantity of prescribed drugs I use, and I pass that time punishing my heart for the loss of the person I love the most in the entire world. I have nothing left, no will, no dreams and no future... 

Sometimes I think about what it would be like to ask for help and have a good and big support system to help me get better and live a normal life – like in the Doctor Phil show. But then I remember that we live in a egoistic world and no one could care enough for me to do that, I honestly haven´t done a thing for people to like me that much. Unfortunately that is the true, and that is why the days go by and the pressure to live is so big that I find myself laid on my bed just praying to all the gods to just take me away… That is what is up… See you later…