Entry 8#

These last couple of days have been weird, well not that I don´t usually have weird days lol but these are feeling way different. The change that as come upon me hasn´t been easy to "take", every day I feel like I need to think through my feelings and make sure that I am giving myself what I need, what I now want. It sounds even weirder now but it´s been confusing this journey of self-discovery, and I hope I get the hang of it soon lol, I am so tired... 

Lately I have been changing my diet, which was something I never really cared for, but since I reduced my meat intake gradually, this past year, I now need a more balenced diet. I keep trying new recepies and mixture of ingredients (that I just try on my own lol), and I am really enjoying food and eating right. Since I felt ill I begun to eat toast and cappuccinos and sweets all day, I rarely ate "real food". Therefore I have been considering make posts, when I prepare a new meal lol, to post pictures here - you know like a typical personal blog lol... Since this is all in reference to me and getting better I think it could be interesting... 

"Girl at Mirror" by Norman Rockwell

The past weekend I began shopping for clothes again, which is a wonderful sign (yeah!). I have been loving to be alone with myself, to let my mind wonder, to read with passion again and write more about things that really matter to me (which for now are personal and hidden lool) and finally I enjoy look at the mirror and see me there. To take care of me, to take long baths and cover myself with crèmes and powders and lipstick lol, and choose cool clothes that make me feel confident - I missed feeling good just walking down the street and going to classes and not try to hide my face.

Hence the painting, I love art as you probably know, and I love painting and the traditional canvas paintings and all that jazz (My love for Van Gogh is clear). I recently discover this painter and this picture really inspired me - so innocent and pure, so much of what childhood should be of what I wanted it to be… And sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and see me in my “purest” state and I cry silently… It´s not a bad thing, it´s a “me thing”…

Finally I would love to share my new "thing" which is yoga respiration, and yoga in general lol - it takes a lot of preparation to do so... For now I am just learning to breath right, never knew I was doing it wrong! And I have just started yesterday but today I already felt a tiny difference while I was waking up and taking a long breath, I felt more at peace and happy! This just might work :D 

I´ll keep you posted

Entry 7#

I have been opening and closing my blog´s window so many times the last few days I wonder why it didn´t broke yet! It is not that that I am having an off moment, artistically wise, but I feel a little scare and in some ways like a brand new person that does not know how to express herself (I am not even sure if I am making myself clear). I told you before I was experiencing a new phase in my life and it feels completely different from everything I lived before. Maybe that is why I am a little shy about this change, but things are moving on so fast that I don´t feel comfortable yet. It´s not a question of self-doubt, because I know who I am and what I want, it´s just me trying to accept the fact that I am happy. I know this sounds weird but I have a tendency to feel extremely guilty towards my own happiness for I yet haven´t accomplish the impossible task, that I force on myself, to see everyone I love happy too. But that is a little problem I will deal as I always do… 

Vicent Van Gogh - "Sunflowers"

On a happier note I am truly and less culpable, happy and that is such an amazing feeling. I just wish I could say this words without sounding like a cliché but instead as an incentive to you, if you don´t feel particularly in love with your current self at the moment (as I was), to change your mind. Find a balance in my life is almost always impossible, up until now at least, I am always going back to my old routines and I suffocate with frivolous things in the hopes I forget why I don´t like who I am. Since I started this blog, and I have stated it here before, all of that changed slowly and I have been searching, up till the ends of my soul, to pour out my essence into words (discovering that it is the best therapy in the market). Now I know that those of you, that do not know me in person, will think I write publicly to make my friends like me or to be more popular… it is quite the contrary, since the people who do know me in person think they know me at all and therefore do not need to read my blog, for curiosity sake or otherwise (I write about other things apart from myself – not lately that is all). I sure love to prove them wrong, and for my own benefit, coming clean and really taking up on myself to change and improve my well-being (only and solely for my benefit) as shown to be extremely satisfactory. Or in other words, just what I needed to really begin a new chapter - and what I have always hoped – as the woman I want to be and not the adolescent and quite insecure person I used to be.  

Find the reason to love being alone with yourself - I find myself surprisingly entertaining (in my own head), don´t attach yourself to another person if you haven´t defined yourself as one and finally analyze the people in your life and feel comfortable in choosing the one´s that really contribute to your happiness instead of those you talk on your back (it takes time to know that so just be very cautious). And that is my recipe for happy new me :D.

Just learn to value yourself, I can´t stress this enough, because it took me a long time to realize that was my problem all along. If you are in a tight spot like I was and can´t really see yourself anymore just remember that what matters is what makes you truly happy – any other half feeling isn´t enough! And I am a good listener…

See you later yall :D

Dia do Pai

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Não quero mentir, mas seriam por volta das 1h30 do dia 19 deste mês que percebi – através das mensagens e declarações de vários amigos aos seus pais, via facebook –que era dia do pai… Sem entender o que estava a acontecer, senti as lagrimas correrem-me pela face, numa angústia desmedida senti a dor no peito que já me é tão amiga e a saudade que me consome tomou conta das minhas emoções. Como se olhasse para mim mesma, numa espécie de “out of body experience”, e comtemplei o meu corpo inerte e a expressão apática que me dançava no rosto. Como poderia ter-me esquecido? Como posso sentir isto agora e por nada? Mas por tanto tempo neutralizei os pensamentos desesperantes da tua perda, numa loucura temporária de tentar manter-me sã - quando sei que continuo e continuarei demente de dor, que tudo fora do meu controlo é agora um intruso, um mero parasita… Mas esta é uma realidade da qual não posso fugir por mais que tente, minto-me todos os dias para poder sobreviver neste mundo, mas neste dia não consegui (será o inicio de uma nova fase?)

Tenho pensado muito sobre o processo de luto, será que estou a fazer isto bem? Haverá alguma maneira de fazer isto bem? Se não, porque é que tanta gente é incompreensiva e intolerante ao meu sofrimento inadvertido? Como é suposto eu saber o que fazer? O maior medo, o mais profundo medo que me assombra desde que consigo articular pensamentos, perder um dos pilares da minha existência: é uma realidade! E é uma realidade demasiado pesada para suportar. Leva muito tempo, quase passou um ano e ainda me vêm as lagrimas aos olhos ao dizer o teu nome e levou-me um ano para passar a fase da negação e ainda estou a debater-me com a fase da dor agoniante – não não fica confortável aqui no coração e não ainda não é apenas uma boa memoria que vive em mim. Mas luto um dia de cada vez para provar que eu te amo pai, fazendo aquilo que tu sempre sonhaste para mim, lutar pelo que me faz feliz e nunca desistir mesmo que as coisas pareçam tao inalcançáveis. E sinto-me um falhanço… E sinto culpa por me sentir culpada de ser feliz…

Por vezes pergunto-me se estou a perder a minha visão neste blog e estou a transformá-lo num festival de pena, na pobre menina que tem tantos problemas e sofre tanto e não completa nenhum projecto… é um bocado triste e absurdo, por outro lado eu escrevo para mim e faço-o pura e honestamente, fiel a mim mesma e não consigo libertar o que me vai na alma de nenhuma outra forma. Se isso faz de mim uma blogger de diário então que seja. Não quero que tenham pena de mim, quero partilhar a minha experiencia e quem sabe mostrar a alguém ai do outro lado que não são os únicos no mundo a sentir isto…

www.centrovegetariano.org

Queria fazer uma homenagem linda ao meu pai, mas receio que o meu coração está demasiado pisado por esta dor que a tua falta me dá. Não consigo racionalizar o que sinto, não consigo fazer sentido do que a minha cabeça produz e só agora passou a sensação de estar paralisada mas ainda sinto os pensamentos dormentes. Se ou quando passar farei algo mais apropriado. Mesmo assim é um marco importante para mim… admitir a mim mesma que a realidade é esta. Que fingir que estás a chegar a casa, ou que estás no café e que vens mais tarde, não ajuda com as minhas ilusões do que a vida poderia ser se não tivesses partido. E isso é novo e positivo, eu creio, quem sabe o próximo passo será deixar de sentir a culpa, mas isso é muito á frente no livro. Por agora guardo a minha dor e deixo-a cansar-se no meu peito e quando estou sozinha deixo-a correr livre…

Amo-te pai com todas as forças, ainda me recordo dos presentes e poemas que que fazíamos para o dia pai na escola, e como me orgulhava de ter o pai mais inteligente e culto do mundo. Cada vez que fecho os olhos vejo o teu sorriso. Aquele sorriso cheio de amor e orgulho na sua pequena. E isso vale mais que mil palavras. Talvez não exista ninguém no mundo que me compreenda da maneira que tu compreendes pai mas pelo menos tive a sorte de me teres escolhido, para amar e cuidar, sem ti não era quem sou… Não tinhas que fazer nada por mim mas fizeste este mundo e o outro e isso nunca vai morrer… Amo-te… 

 

Voilà, it´s me again

I know, I know I am a lousy blogger but you need to understand my life is hard damn! I know I am a spoiled brat but that is just me lol. Anyway I am back and I do hope to post regularly, for the sake of me because I love talking about me and things that I like, oh selfish little me in my selfish little blog oh well… I kid you* :D I love this….

Well I was thinking so hard about what I should write about I wrote nothing at all, it is frustrating when the only exercise I perform 24/7 is to think, no no it isn´t nice because my thoughts can become very boring…. Like this post…  I have been thinking on writing in Portuguese again but I am not ready and the newspaper is closed for now, so I have nothing important or interesting to tell…

Nonetheless there is a lot on my mind, all the time, and just now I was thinking about enablers – those people in your life that make you believe they are helping you out when in reality they are holding you back. I have had those throughout my life but lately just the one. I was about to let everything go because I was led to believe I was better off giving up! Sometimes things like that happen and you really don´t realize how wronged you were because the package is so innocent looking, (well until they bit you in the arse!) and you fought so much for the ideal of what that person was, that you just go with it. Fortunately for me, karma does not fail me EVER. Believe it or not, karma always delivers… Right when everything was about to fall apart I was saved from the big black hole and today I am here again, coming to you like a warrior exhausted by the fight but ready to go on with this war.

Well you already know that I believe the world revolves around me and I am alone against the world lol I like paradoxes, kill me lol. Put it anyway you like it, I put it: me and everyone like me  keep getting hit in the face but we just won´t quit, we know that is something wonderful waiting for us – never lose hope that is how I would put things. Pick up the pieces and move on and don´t look back, because the past is definitely the past and the future is very promising. For now I am trying to keep my life stable and enjoy the little things as much as possible which sometimes means that I have to neglect other areas of my life lol, but I believe I have it all under control and that is so much more than what I had 2 months ago, so I cannot complain. I am riding life and contemplating the journey… the best is yet to come… see you later