Entry 12#

Lately I haven´t been able to write, not for lack of time or will but sometimes I feel scared and doubt myself and my capacities – basically I can´t fail. Still my calling seems to follow me, even when I am trying to avoid it, and I have been getting signals that I should just do it and get it all out.

 Yesterday was a tough day for me, there´s a tradition in which the people gather and grieve their loved ones who have passed, like we are all obligated to go there and cry even if we don´t want to. I surely didn´t! I just tend to do everything my away and against everyone’s’ way. After years of a way too long battle I won, my family accepts and respects my wishes and believes, and no longer try to change me into their Christian ways. I have nothing against Christians or any other belief system; it is just not for me, period and end of sentence. So there I was enjoying my afternoon all by myself and I find myself thinking of my grandpa once again.

I should make a note here, lately I have been extremely happy and to continue so, I continually forbid myself of thinking too much about him. While this makes me feel selfish and terribly guilty, it also makes me have a sense of security in myself that I haven´t felt for years. I need balance, I need not to feel unhappy all the time because that was making me insane, and insane I will not be sir. I may repress some feelings but at least I live a little more than the day before and that is all I have right now. I need to be strong for my family and my friends, and I will be nothing but strong from now on.

Still yesterday was hard to keep my head from listening to what my heart was saying so loudly. I miss him damn it and I feel like someone ripped away my stupid heart and it will never be full, ever again! If God exists than he must hate me, because I do not deserve this horrible pain that chokes me every time I want to take a deep breath. I just needed him more than ever, i wanted to cry but I have cried so much I have fewer tears to shed so everything was bottling down inside me and i tried to go through my day as usual. But today I was bursting with pain; behind a smile I had a loud scream scratching my throat. Then someone asked me about the watch, my knees shook and my voice faded, and my eyes shone and for minutes showed the truth I was trying to suppress all day long. But I hung tough, I smiled and hung in there, whilst inside I was scratching and clawing to my heart, to make me strong. Then the painting, the painting I used in my first article, it was so much meaning to me, so much – like a knife that pain went through my soul and crushed my frail spirit. I hung in there until I was alone, so I cried and cried, all the frustration of my pain just came out silently and I felt a tiny little ant in a huge and scary world. In those moments I feel like I am so vulnerable anyone could strike me right on the heart and I would let them kill me there and then. I am a fool.

Yesterday I was eating a toast with jam. That jam always takes me back, to when I was just a toddler; I was on vacation with my family and I remember we had breakfast on the hotel and there would be little containers with that same jam. I loved me, still do! I remember the beach, the sun, the water, the laughter and the happiness of those moments together. We are a family, ups and downs like all but we love each other more than everything. I never knew what true love meant until I lost the man that taught me all I know, all I am, all I will ever aspire to be. Suddenly all these moments make sense, finally, they do. This is why I always remember my vacations when I eat jam, because they are associated in my mind to comfort, security and happiness. I was blessed, truly blessed and I never knew how much my love. I blame myself for not telling you, every second of every day, how lucky I am for having a father that loved me more than I ever deserved. Loved me even though I was not his daughter, loved me more than that. I wish I could tell you right now. I wish these tears would leave and bring you back to me. But I will love you forever and the warmth that lasts in my heart at the end of the day, tell me i don´t need to suffer no more, you live here, in my heart. 

Entry 10#

So today I finally returned to civilization. Oh what a great feeling to come to my city and smell this air full of happiness and laughter (and air pollution and pigeon/seagulls poop)! I just love to jump around every place I love here, I never left Portugal but I think I´ll never love another city another city as much as I love Oporto. Here I feel at home, I feel like I belong to the painting – like a still figure, just looking innocent and joyful. I am passionate about many things in life but nothing compares to the love I feel for this place, the river, the old streets, the amazing library or the lovely city parks and the amazing nice people. Oh today I am all like seeing rainbows and unicorns everywhere, the whole pink sunglasses extravaganza.

Nevertheless this city now is a place of memories, memories that may be wonderful but that also make me tear up a bit. You see, my grandpa lived, part time, in this city of mine. As I walk down the street I remember how we used to walk it down together, just to go somewhere or nowhere at all. I remember all the things you loved to take me to see, the expositions, the landmarks or the coolest places you just adored. I know he wasn´t born here but I also know he felt like you were, partialy. I just feel that warm thinkling on my troath as I try to hold the tears. I poured my heart out on a piece of paper and cried deeply in the silence. 

I just miss him too much, so I need to pretend you aren´t gone, because that is the only way I can get up in the morning and live a kind of normal life. But I miss you so much, more than words can describe, and I ask myself what in the Lord´s name have I done wrong to deserve such punishment. I just want to remember you the way you were, perfect and only mine. I need you too much because there isn´t another human being that can validate me when I feel like shit. With a sweet embrace I just knew I was perfect the way I am.

I know this sounds a bit depressing but I just need to allow me to miss him and remenber what a wonderful human being he was. Today I thought, one day I will lose my family, and that reality tore me to pieces- I just cannot imagine me alone in the world, I prefer to die today. Remember to value the ones you love and tell them you love them every single day because one day you won´t be able to. I know I wished I had said it more, because now I can only say it to myself. Love with all your heart and have no regrets because live is too short for resentment. 

Don´t go breaking my heart

It has been quite a while since my last post in English, as you can see I am very active – posting wise – but only in Portuguese, so I need to restore the balance. Today I noticed something weird that if it is in fact true, it is freaky as hell. Most of the blog´s traffic comes from America! I still strongly believe that this thing is probably broken, but if it isn´t please give a shout-out, or whatever… *crickets come in now*… Oh and apparently Russia likes me too – which is scary as well as impossible, I just thought it was pretty funny.

On a sadder but definitely more interesting note, today´s subject is my catastrophic yet amusing love life. Oh lord why wouldn´t you buy me a freaking Mercedes Benz? (Oh no ya didn´t) oh yes I did! My life has already inspired me to write a considerable collection of novels, though i´ll never reveal how many. It is a sad and instructive roll of disappointments, heart aches and tears (accompanied by the consumption of gallons of chocolate whilst watching cheesy romantic comedies). What prompted me to dish some dirt on this theme? I was navigating through my favorite fashion blogs when I came across this sincere and touching story of love and incredible pain, and I though wow she is totally right, it is important for us women to share this stuff – it sucks to feel I am the only woman stupid enough to repeat the same mistakes. I am definitely not.

I too have loved and lost all my life, yes all my life. It all started when the only man who is suppose to love me forever left me for no good reason - a shout out to bobo the sperm guy peps! Since then I live in constant fear that if I give myself to anyone they´ll end up leaving me too. Another funny thing about this “daddy issues” fun stuff is the part when I always fall desperately in love with men who resemble my father in the worst way. Irresponsible, egotistical and evil men that make me fly over the moon one day and the next leave me drowning on my own tears, god it is annoying! Then, I drive myself crazy with the suspicion of betrayal until the day the bastard leaves me, in the precise moment I am going through the motions of a dangerous rollercoaster of self loathing and depression. I am so tired and yet so helpless in the face of this behavioral pattern! Worst of all, I am starting to realize I like the pain.

So, to deviate myself from all this degradation and consequent depression, I am taking this time (now that I am thankfully single), to rearrange my priorities. I am analyzing my past mistakes and making sure I am ready to meet the man I deserve. Therefore I will tell you some things I learned and that hopefully will be useful for me and for you as well. First of all, don´t confuse helpful tips with subtle critics your man gives you, for example when he says “that skirt doesn´t match those shoes” (danger: he could also be gay) or “you will get fat if you keep eating this away” or “when you get pregnant you better find a way to stay thin”- run. Yeah I know how absurd it seems but love is deafening and at the time I took it as a constructive criticism. Second, if he refuses to introduce you to his friends or family, or both - it is almost certain that he sees you as a temporary fling – hide. Third, if the man fails to fulfill his “duty” – if you know what I mean – do not take it as a personal offence. He is probably a repressed homosexual using you as a beard (true story) – definitely do not seek. I could go on and on, but I guess what I am trying to say is that if your man does not treat you as a queen every single day, if he doesn´t make you feel special, beautiful and sexy – then do not give him another minute, it is one too many. Do not lower your expectations just because your heart was broken, just move on. There is plenty of fish in the sea and I know there is a pot for every lid (it´s something my mom says).

Life is wonderful when you are in love, and I will never stop believing in it – but the most important thing is to love yourself before others, it is the only way to be strong and fight for what you deserve.