Drama, drama and more drama…

As if I didn´t have enough on my plate… oh yes prepare yourself for some more drama people. Sleep hasn´t been my friend lately, and insomnia leads me to the land of crazy thoughts and way too much stress… therefore completing the cycle of craziness that rules this head of mine.

So what the hell is going on? (You might ask) Well is way too complicated and I hate to feed into the web of meanness some people weave around good, nice people like me. (This cocky attitude comes with the new package of “Joana” - in stores today). Let´s just say that sometimes you might do everything right and one single insignificant person can ruin the good things you built for yourself. Why are people so mean? How can someone enjoy causing pain to others? Is it that much fun to watch the fruit of that evil labor? It really must be, because they keep doing it.

Now, I am sure everyone has been through the same situation and you must sympathize with the predicament I’m in. I just really need to let this out and let it go; it is way too ridiculous to keep losing sleep over. The thing that hurts the most is that although it is something completely absurd to believe, if you know me at all, it still raises doubt and tension around and about me. It makes me extremely sad that I cannot be trusted even though I never gave a reason not to. Isn´t it unfair that some jealous act can trouble me this much?

Now what did I learn from this situation? First: you can never be too careful with your mouth; even the most innocent words said with the most caring of intentions can be used towards evil… especially if you´re really kind, you might stir some jealousy feeling on a bitter soul. Second: if you have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about and you know what you say and what you feel, you mustn´t let it get to you as if you have something to redeem yourself for. And thirdly and most importantly, the truth always shows itself in the end and people with a good heart and an open mind will eventually hear your truth and realize that sometimes bad things happen to good people. Period, end of statement.

Live and learn people, that is the moral of the story. I think I can sleep now.

Carta Aberta a uma Hipotética Amiga da Onça (smooth joana)

Querida hipotética,

Suponho que como segue a minha vida tão atentamente, já deve ter percebido que tenho dificuldade em dar 5 tostões por opiniões baseadas em inveja e rancor inexplicável, mas estou com uma insônia desgraçada e achei que seria divertido para quem leia esta carta e se sinta em baixo por descobrir as onças das suas vidas, meus queridos todos nós sofremos com essa praga, o melhor é relativizar e se possível decorá-la com humor.

Eu tenho consciência dos meus defeitos, sim eu sei que desconhece a palavra “consciência” – é uma vozinha na cabeça que nos massacra quando agimos mal e reconhece/insiste que somos capazes de mudar, mas isto não lhe faz falta querida é uma cruz das pessoas que têm compaixão e princípios. Tenho os meus dias, por vezes os defeitos tomam conta de mim e a consciência não me deixa dormir mas a minha educação faz de mim uma pessoa que se redime dos seus erros e volta a deitar a cabeça na almofada dormindo como um bebé.

arthur.bio.br

Chama-me princesa e mimada? Ora eu agradeço querida, todos os dias dou graças por ter a família que tenho, por ter recebido amor, mimo, o conforto e as oportunidades que me proporcionaram, não seria quem sou hoje se não fosse pelo carinho que recebi toda a minha vida. Deveria sentir-me mal porque sou amada pelos meus? Todos os dias me dói o coração ao ler o que se passa um pouco por todo o mundo, o quanto as pessoas sofrem porque ninguém se preocupa com elas ou lhes dá amor, comida ou liberdade. Sim sou uma princesa que teve como mentor um rei bondoso, carinhoso, humilde e trabalhador, um homem que dedicou a sua vida a trabalhar para proporcionar uma vida melhor á família, e quando se podia ter reformado dessas responsabilidades escolheu cuidar de mim e do meu irmão, sem pensar duas vezes e com o coração aberto. Serei eternamente grata por ter sido educada por um homem com princípios, lutador, inteligente, bem formado, correcto, que sempre acreditou na bondade dos outros por mais que a vida lhe mostrasse o contrário ele nunca desistiu de tentar trazer um bocadinho da sua luz para a vida de todas as pessoas que conhecia. Tantas qualidades e no entanto palavras nunca poderão expressar o amor que eu tenho por este herói e nunca me vou sentir culpada por ter alguém na minha vida que sempre acreditou em mim, sempre me ajudou a perceber que eu posso ser o que eu quiser mas que antes de tudo devo procurar ser feliz. E agora com toda a verdade lhe digo que lamento que não tenha tido o mesmo, tenho a certeza que seria uma pessoa muito melhor e não teria tempo para analisar os meus passos. No entanto isso não é desculpa para o veneno que corre nas suas veias minha senhora, ser bom ou mau é uma escolha, você não soube escolher e isso é triste.

Chama-me vaidosa e com a mania que sou melhor que todo o mundo. Mais uma vez obrigado, não sei porque me sentiria mal por sair de casa com o pescoço levantado e a cara lavada! Há coisas que o dinheiro não pode comprar, uma delas é o bom gosto. Sou um pouco materialista? Sem duvida que gosto das minhas coisas, mas guardo-as e estimo-as com muito carinho pois trabalhei para as pagar e sei quanto custa a vida. Eu sei que para si isto é uma coisa estranha, mas nem toda a gente esta disposta a vender “tudo” para ter dinheiro de sobra. Mais uma coisa que eu aprendi com o meu avô, quando trabalhamos e somos independentes financeiramente damos muito mais valor às coisas e principalmente às dificuldades das outras pessoas, o que consequentemente gera um sentimento de compaixão e altruísmo e não podemos descansar se não contribuimos um pouco. Engraçado não é? Eu não acho que sou melhor que ninguém, minha querida, nunca fui perfeita e já cometi muitos erros mas redimi-me e “renovei-me”; mas sinto que sou muito melhor que a senhora, isso não posso negar, mas também não é difícil sentir-nos superior quando comparados com seres humanos mesquinhos e com ar na cabeça. Pense nisso.

gossipgirlnotipotfashiteen.blogspot.com 

E sabe que mais? Não me conhece de todo, mesmo depois de tantos anos a vigiar-me, porque é certo que sou feliz com a vida que tenho mas trocava tudo num milisegundo para ter o meu avô comigo por mais uns anos, um dia só, uma hora para lhe dizer que o amo só mais uma vez. Há mais uma coisa que lhe posso ensinar o dinheiro não compra amor, e deve ser triste viver rodeado de amigos que a suportam por quererem algo de si. Lamento mesmo. Eu por outro lado era feliz a morar num casebre bem no meio da montanha, primeiro porque sempre sonhei em viver no sossego e longe de línguas afiadas; segundo o ar da montanha é bom para a saúde e visto que sou vegetariana seria econômico alimentar-me, a natureza é o melhor supermercado; terceiro e último, garanto-lhe que só precisava de um saco de batatas e uma linha de pesca para fazer um vestido que faria inveja a uma mulher insossa como você. As verdades são para se dizer não é? Eu uso qualquer trapo com confiança, seja o que for, e tenho muito brio na minha aparência, é o meu cartão-de-visita e mostra ao mundo que sou acessível e humana. Se quiser eu posso ajuda-la a ganhar um pouco de confiança nesse campo. E se gosta tanto do meu facebook dê-me a sua morada, eu mando-lhe uma foto autografada.

Atentamente,

Joana Afonseca

*Lamento que isto seja tão longo mas diverti-me imenso e levantou o meu astral hoje. 

“Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results” Albert Einstein (Part 2)

But I picked myself up and dust myself off, like they say, but still I wondered Am I insane?

I was overdue to finish this post but for me it´s so hard to open up and I always need more time to reflect on what I want to share, what I need to let go and maybe help someone on the way.

Well these two weeks were a test, a really hard test that I was obligated to endure and figure out if all my training in self control and patience were really working out. I have to tell you, I was so scared of what could happen to me if I lost control; I freaked so much I wanted to give up and leave my house so I could avoid conflict. Well, I decided I shouldn´t, I have been working on myself so much, trying to be more forgiven and patient, so I owed it to myself; I realized this was part of my path to reach the next level, and I needed it. I hanged on tough and I felt incredible! When I felt the pressure, the provocations that used to make me blow up didn´t worked anymore, I smiled proudly in the face of the enemy and relaxed at last, I felt at peace. Since then, every day I wake up and feel amazing, I don´t feel sad and empty no more; I swear to you I feel the presence of my grandpa, stronger than ever, here on my shoulder supporting and watching me, I feel powerful. I am no longer scared of the future or what may happen because I had the proof I am in the way to become who I want to be.

www.dustincox.us

Now here´s the lesson I took from this experience: if you want to be happy, but really truly happy, you just need to want it more than anything you have and will ever want in life. But I really mean it people, you might think “what a cliché”, it is but it couldn´t be more true. I tell you more, I was sick for 6 years of my life (I was just 17 and now I am almost 24), I was so sick I didn´t even realized how much. Most people judge me for the time I “lost” but that is just ignorance, depression is real and it hurts like hell. It took me 6 years and the lost of my dad to realize I had been dormant, I hadn´t been living at all; I was crippled because I blame it all on others but mostly I blamed it on myself, and that was always there putting me down. Oh I was stupid; I totally made myself insane with all the pain I had let fill my heart, for all those years; and this last year I finally open my eyes to reality and saw that I needed to deal with the truth. You can´t change what you don´t acknowledge; you have a disease you need to treat it, like in the AA, and this was the beginning of a long journey of self discovery and recover. I dove in all the dark places I had hidden all my sorrows and turned them upside down; I felt injustice had befallen me, I felt I was betrayed, felt rage, hate, unbearable pain, loneliness, I felt all of this over and over has I walked through every single thing that had stopped me from living my life (part of it was noticeable on all my previous posts). It was so awful to realize I had wasted years hating myself for things I had no control over, and blaming people for their choices and the way they affected me in the past. Why do we focus so much in what it could be than in what it can actually be? It is just the way we were raised to be, I think. And this is when I introduced Buddhism into my life; I needed something to help me understand what I was doing wrong, and consequently the reason why I felt down every single day. And that is the journey I am still making on my own, and that I intent to share with you, step by step.

So now I wrap it up with my conclusion on this particular topic. Insanity is a tricky word, and it shouldn´t be used lightly, but the reality is that sometimes people make you feel crazy because they can, and you shouldn´t let them. Doing the same thing over and over again will not lead you into the path of happiness, open up your mind and reevaluate your life; let the bad things go and once you reach the point where those don´t bother you anymore, that is when you know you´re being successful in turning your life around. This applies to everyone. And I will share some interesting things you are probably doing and shouldn´t and could definitely make a difference.

“Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results” Albert Einstein

For my first post of 2014, in English no less, I decided to begin introducing you to my world of “recently found” inner peace; meaning my journey through the Buddhist philosophy. Now don´t you abandon me here, I am not trying to spread the word of the Lord (nor am I trying to insult your religion or belief)! This is me, my belief and my life´s philosophy, I expect no one to follow me, and I just want to put it out there that there are other paths to happiness and serenity. Since I find that most people with less than a high school education are very narrow-minded, at least here in Portugal, I decided to discuss my system of beliefs in English - mostly to avoid being labeled “the infidel” of my hometown (Yeah that happens). (Note that I said most, I know a few wise adults that don´t need to speak English to accept me, since education is also practiced at home). For you my “better” educated friends: read and interpret as you like.

Like I have said in my last post, in Portuguese, I am thankful for 2013 because even though I lived in hell for most of it - and believed me, I wish no one the task that was bestowed upon me - I came through alive. Oh my friends but it was more than live that was pounding inside me, it was something I haven´t felt since I was a little child: it was happiness. Not the happiness you feel when you have a particular exceptional honor/present/day, or when you fall in love, no no no it was that amazing no-reason-why-but-truly-pure happiness. Have you ever felt that? Think hard is not as easy of an answer as you might think.

So, how did I achieve that holy state? you say. Well, I have a story bigger than life for you, and I will tell it (because I will write a book about it, and it will change life´s, or so I hope). But for my first step into the spotlight I will discuss a particular live lesson I learnt and have been reflecting upon a lot, the past couple of weeks. The concept of insanity that entitles my text today is a “nice way” to put it, has we do use the term “insanity” very loosely and it actually isn´t. If I were a psychologist I would probably say it is a very serious disease and it should not be used as slang, but since I am a “thinker” (you know I have an ego, let it go I have come to the conclusion that a grand percentage of “insane people” are actually the most sane and happy ones. Now think about it: they live in their one world, they are actually are happy and content there but we are so afraid of the “crazy” that we must pump them with pills and tell them they are the ones in the wrong. Who´s to say what´s what? Have you seen “A Beautiful Mind”? I know the dude eventually contributed immensely to some physics theories but he went through hell and back! All that pressure from a world that wanted to make him feel absolutely bunkers, at which they succeed grandly, reducing a genius to a human mop in no time. It took him years of self control to finally be accepted as normal! That is completely absurd to me, who wouldn´t like to be evolved in a great conspiracy? and who´s to say he wasn´t and the govern was actually trying to cover their prints? I am just saying, open up your mind a bit!

But what does that has to do with me? Well, because I too was led to believe for years that I was a bit insane, not for professionals but for people close to me and whose opinion was oh so important in my mind. It is easy to fall into other people´s opinion of us, and interiorize it as being the absolute truth, and I admit I was too weak to rebel against the tide so I was washed out by the waves.

(End of Part 1)

Entry 12#

Lately I haven´t been able to write, not for lack of time or will but sometimes I feel scared and doubt myself and my capacities – basically I can´t fail. Still my calling seems to follow me, even when I am trying to avoid it, and I have been getting signals that I should just do it and get it all out.

 Yesterday was a tough day for me, there´s a tradition in which the people gather and grieve their loved ones who have passed, like we are all obligated to go there and cry even if we don´t want to. I surely didn´t! I just tend to do everything my away and against everyone’s’ way. After years of a way too long battle I won, my family accepts and respects my wishes and believes, and no longer try to change me into their Christian ways. I have nothing against Christians or any other belief system; it is just not for me, period and end of sentence. So there I was enjoying my afternoon all by myself and I find myself thinking of my grandpa once again.

I should make a note here, lately I have been extremely happy and to continue so, I continually forbid myself of thinking too much about him. While this makes me feel selfish and terribly guilty, it also makes me have a sense of security in myself that I haven´t felt for years. I need balance, I need not to feel unhappy all the time because that was making me insane, and insane I will not be sir. I may repress some feelings but at least I live a little more than the day before and that is all I have right now. I need to be strong for my family and my friends, and I will be nothing but strong from now on.

Still yesterday was hard to keep my head from listening to what my heart was saying so loudly. I miss him damn it and I feel like someone ripped away my stupid heart and it will never be full, ever again! If God exists than he must hate me, because I do not deserve this horrible pain that chokes me every time I want to take a deep breath. I just needed him more than ever, i wanted to cry but I have cried so much I have fewer tears to shed so everything was bottling down inside me and i tried to go through my day as usual. But today I was bursting with pain; behind a smile I had a loud scream scratching my throat. Then someone asked me about the watch, my knees shook and my voice faded, and my eyes shone and for minutes showed the truth I was trying to suppress all day long. But I hung tough, I smiled and hung in there, whilst inside I was scratching and clawing to my heart, to make me strong. Then the painting, the painting I used in my first article, it was so much meaning to me, so much – like a knife that pain went through my soul and crushed my frail spirit. I hung in there until I was alone, so I cried and cried, all the frustration of my pain just came out silently and I felt a tiny little ant in a huge and scary world. In those moments I feel like I am so vulnerable anyone could strike me right on the heart and I would let them kill me there and then. I am a fool.

Yesterday I was eating a toast with jam. That jam always takes me back, to when I was just a toddler; I was on vacation with my family and I remember we had breakfast on the hotel and there would be little containers with that same jam. I loved me, still do! I remember the beach, the sun, the water, the laughter and the happiness of those moments together. We are a family, ups and downs like all but we love each other more than everything. I never knew what true love meant until I lost the man that taught me all I know, all I am, all I will ever aspire to be. Suddenly all these moments make sense, finally, they do. This is why I always remember my vacations when I eat jam, because they are associated in my mind to comfort, security and happiness. I was blessed, truly blessed and I never knew how much my love. I blame myself for not telling you, every second of every day, how lucky I am for having a father that loved me more than I ever deserved. Loved me even though I was not his daughter, loved me more than that. I wish I could tell you right now. I wish these tears would leave and bring you back to me. But I will love you forever and the warmth that lasts in my heart at the end of the day, tell me i don´t need to suffer no more, you live here, in my heart. 

Entry 10#

So today I finally returned to civilization. Oh what a great feeling to come to my city and smell this air full of happiness and laughter (and air pollution and pigeon/seagulls poop)! I just love to jump around every place I love here, I never left Portugal but I think I´ll never love another city another city as much as I love Oporto. Here I feel at home, I feel like I belong to the painting – like a still figure, just looking innocent and joyful. I am passionate about many things in life but nothing compares to the love I feel for this place, the river, the old streets, the amazing library or the lovely city parks and the amazing nice people. Oh today I am all like seeing rainbows and unicorns everywhere, the whole pink sunglasses extravaganza.

Nevertheless this city now is a place of memories, memories that may be wonderful but that also make me tear up a bit. You see, my grandpa lived, part time, in this city of mine. As I walk down the street I remember how we used to walk it down together, just to go somewhere or nowhere at all. I remember all the things you loved to take me to see, the expositions, the landmarks or the coolest places you just adored. I know he wasn´t born here but I also know he felt like you were, partialy. I just feel that warm thinkling on my troath as I try to hold the tears. I poured my heart out on a piece of paper and cried deeply in the silence. 

I just miss him too much, so I need to pretend you aren´t gone, because that is the only way I can get up in the morning and live a kind of normal life. But I miss you so much, more than words can describe, and I ask myself what in the Lord´s name have I done wrong to deserve such punishment. I just want to remember you the way you were, perfect and only mine. I need you too much because there isn´t another human being that can validate me when I feel like shit. With a sweet embrace I just knew I was perfect the way I am.

I know this sounds a bit depressing but I just need to allow me to miss him and remenber what a wonderful human being he was. Today I thought, one day I will lose my family, and that reality tore me to pieces- I just cannot imagine me alone in the world, I prefer to die today. Remember to value the ones you love and tell them you love them every single day because one day you won´t be able to. I know I wished I had said it more, because now I can only say it to myself. Love with all your heart and have no regrets because live is too short for resentment. 

Don´t go breaking my heart

It has been quite a while since my last post in English, as you can see I am very active – posting wise – but only in Portuguese, so I need to restore the balance. Today I noticed something weird that if it is in fact true, it is freaky as hell. Most of the blog´s traffic comes from America! I still strongly believe that this thing is probably broken, but if it isn´t please give a shout-out, or whatever… *crickets come in now*… Oh and apparently Russia likes me too – which is scary as well as impossible, I just thought it was pretty funny.

On a sadder but definitely more interesting note, today´s subject is my catastrophic yet amusing love life. Oh lord why wouldn´t you buy me a freaking Mercedes Benz? (Oh no ya didn´t) oh yes I did! My life has already inspired me to write a considerable collection of novels, though i´ll never reveal how many. It is a sad and instructive roll of disappointments, heart aches and tears (accompanied by the consumption of gallons of chocolate whilst watching cheesy romantic comedies). What prompted me to dish some dirt on this theme? I was navigating through my favorite fashion blogs when I came across this sincere and touching story of love and incredible pain, and I though wow she is totally right, it is important for us women to share this stuff – it sucks to feel I am the only woman stupid enough to repeat the same mistakes. I am definitely not.

I too have loved and lost all my life, yes all my life. It all started when the only man who is suppose to love me forever left me for no good reason - a shout out to bobo the sperm guy peps! Since then I live in constant fear that if I give myself to anyone they´ll end up leaving me too. Another funny thing about this “daddy issues” fun stuff is the part when I always fall desperately in love with men who resemble my father in the worst way. Irresponsible, egotistical and evil men that make me fly over the moon one day and the next leave me drowning on my own tears, god it is annoying! Then, I drive myself crazy with the suspicion of betrayal until the day the bastard leaves me, in the precise moment I am going through the motions of a dangerous rollercoaster of self loathing and depression. I am so tired and yet so helpless in the face of this behavioral pattern! Worst of all, I am starting to realize I like the pain.

So, to deviate myself from all this degradation and consequent depression, I am taking this time (now that I am thankfully single), to rearrange my priorities. I am analyzing my past mistakes and making sure I am ready to meet the man I deserve. Therefore I will tell you some things I learned and that hopefully will be useful for me and for you as well. First of all, don´t confuse helpful tips with subtle critics your man gives you, for example when he says “that skirt doesn´t match those shoes” (danger: he could also be gay) or “you will get fat if you keep eating this away” or “when you get pregnant you better find a way to stay thin”- run. Yeah I know how absurd it seems but love is deafening and at the time I took it as a constructive criticism. Second, if he refuses to introduce you to his friends or family, or both - it is almost certain that he sees you as a temporary fling – hide. Third, if the man fails to fulfill his “duty” – if you know what I mean – do not take it as a personal offence. He is probably a repressed homosexual using you as a beard (true story) – definitely do not seek. I could go on and on, but I guess what I am trying to say is that if your man does not treat you as a queen every single day, if he doesn´t make you feel special, beautiful and sexy – then do not give him another minute, it is one too many. Do not lower your expectations just because your heart was broken, just move on. There is plenty of fish in the sea and I know there is a pot for every lid (it´s something my mom says).

Life is wonderful when you are in love, and I will never stop believing in it – but the most important thing is to love yourself before others, it is the only way to be strong and fight for what you deserve.