Entry 10#

So today I finally returned to civilization. Oh what a great feeling to come to my city and smell this air full of happiness and laughter (and air pollution and pigeon/seagulls poop)! I just love to jump around every place I love here, I never left Portugal but I think I´ll never love another city another city as much as I love Oporto. Here I feel at home, I feel like I belong to the painting – like a still figure, just looking innocent and joyful. I am passionate about many things in life but nothing compares to the love I feel for this place, the river, the old streets, the amazing library or the lovely city parks and the amazing nice people. Oh today I am all like seeing rainbows and unicorns everywhere, the whole pink sunglasses extravaganza.

Nevertheless this city now is a place of memories, memories that may be wonderful but that also make me tear up a bit. You see, my grandpa lived, part time, in this city of mine. As I walk down the street I remember how we used to walk it down together, just to go somewhere or nowhere at all. I remember all the things you loved to take me to see, the expositions, the landmarks or the coolest places you just adored. I know he wasn´t born here but I also know he felt like you were, partialy. I just feel that warm thinkling on my troath as I try to hold the tears. I poured my heart out on a piece of paper and cried deeply in the silence. 

I just miss him too much, so I need to pretend you aren´t gone, because that is the only way I can get up in the morning and live a kind of normal life. But I miss you so much, more than words can describe, and I ask myself what in the Lord´s name have I done wrong to deserve such punishment. I just want to remember you the way you were, perfect and only mine. I need you too much because there isn´t another human being that can validate me when I feel like shit. With a sweet embrace I just knew I was perfect the way I am.

I know this sounds a bit depressing but I just need to allow me to miss him and remenber what a wonderful human being he was. Today I thought, one day I will lose my family, and that reality tore me to pieces- I just cannot imagine me alone in the world, I prefer to die today. Remember to value the ones you love and tell them you love them every single day because one day you won´t be able to. I know I wished I had said it more, because now I can only say it to myself. Love with all your heart and have no regrets because live is too short for resentment. 

Don´t go breaking my heart

It has been quite a while since my last post in English, as you can see I am very active – posting wise – but only in Portuguese, so I need to restore the balance. Today I noticed something weird that if it is in fact true, it is freaky as hell. Most of the blog´s traffic comes from America! I still strongly believe that this thing is probably broken, but if it isn´t please give a shout-out, or whatever… *crickets come in now*… Oh and apparently Russia likes me too – which is scary as well as impossible, I just thought it was pretty funny.

On a sadder but definitely more interesting note, today´s subject is my catastrophic yet amusing love life. Oh lord why wouldn´t you buy me a freaking Mercedes Benz? (Oh no ya didn´t) oh yes I did! My life has already inspired me to write a considerable collection of novels, though i´ll never reveal how many. It is a sad and instructive roll of disappointments, heart aches and tears (accompanied by the consumption of gallons of chocolate whilst watching cheesy romantic comedies). What prompted me to dish some dirt on this theme? I was navigating through my favorite fashion blogs when I came across this sincere and touching story of love and incredible pain, and I though wow she is totally right, it is important for us women to share this stuff – it sucks to feel I am the only woman stupid enough to repeat the same mistakes. I am definitely not.

I too have loved and lost all my life, yes all my life. It all started when the only man who is suppose to love me forever left me for no good reason - a shout out to bobo the sperm guy peps! Since then I live in constant fear that if I give myself to anyone they´ll end up leaving me too. Another funny thing about this “daddy issues” fun stuff is the part when I always fall desperately in love with men who resemble my father in the worst way. Irresponsible, egotistical and evil men that make me fly over the moon one day and the next leave me drowning on my own tears, god it is annoying! Then, I drive myself crazy with the suspicion of betrayal until the day the bastard leaves me, in the precise moment I am going through the motions of a dangerous rollercoaster of self loathing and depression. I am so tired and yet so helpless in the face of this behavioral pattern! Worst of all, I am starting to realize I like the pain.

So, to deviate myself from all this degradation and consequent depression, I am taking this time (now that I am thankfully single), to rearrange my priorities. I am analyzing my past mistakes and making sure I am ready to meet the man I deserve. Therefore I will tell you some things I learned and that hopefully will be useful for me and for you as well. First of all, don´t confuse helpful tips with subtle critics your man gives you, for example when he says “that skirt doesn´t match those shoes” (danger: he could also be gay) or “you will get fat if you keep eating this away” or “when you get pregnant you better find a way to stay thin”- run. Yeah I know how absurd it seems but love is deafening and at the time I took it as a constructive criticism. Second, if he refuses to introduce you to his friends or family, or both - it is almost certain that he sees you as a temporary fling – hide. Third, if the man fails to fulfill his “duty” – if you know what I mean – do not take it as a personal offence. He is probably a repressed homosexual using you as a beard (true story) – definitely do not seek. I could go on and on, but I guess what I am trying to say is that if your man does not treat you as a queen every single day, if he doesn´t make you feel special, beautiful and sexy – then do not give him another minute, it is one too many. Do not lower your expectations just because your heart was broken, just move on. There is plenty of fish in the sea and I know there is a pot for every lid (it´s something my mom says).

Life is wonderful when you are in love, and I will never stop believing in it – but the most important thing is to love yourself before others, it is the only way to be strong and fight for what you deserve.