sábado, 12 de janeiro de 2013

Entry 6#



Did you miss me much? I surely missed writing, but I was ashamed. Oh I cannot tell you why but I did something wrong and the guilt has been keeping me awake. Seems like I let myself go down on a spiral of self-destruction, and I was doing it consciously.
Sometimes life is funny that way, when you think you got the hold of yourself, you lose everything and gain nothing at all. I let myself indulge in a pool of self-pity, which is sadder than you can imagine, and I just swim in it like I belonged there all my life. Sometimes you just lose the grip of reality… I lose it completely, in a few days.. It is so easy to knock me down, damn I wish I was stronger.. One day who knows…

Life lately lost all meaning and I need to find meaning for my existence, otherwise I will implode… Stop destructing everything I built should be step one, but no, I just love to tell myself that I am never good enough, I simply cannot fulfill my standards! I am so bad to myself that I purely cannot give myself a chance, or an off day… I know I shouldn´t do that, because I don´t have to fulfill the expectations of everyone, it´s simply impossible! And still I cannot stop lecturing myself on how to live my life… Will you shut up?

I need a “life changing” experience, badly… Who knows what I might do? You don´t know me long enough to realize I am the kind of person that just enjoys to piss off everyone, by doing exactly what nobody expects me to do… I just need excitement, and life is not giving me what I need so, I need to chase after new experiences, to keep me alive… I just need to feel alive…

I have been feeling tired, physically and mentally… Pressure comes from everywhere and I am at a boiling point, I need to please everyone and I cannot satisfy even myself…. I need to think, maybe tomorrow I will travel to my special place to think, or maybe I will sleep all day again and feel extremely guilty for one more day of being useless… 



Big mistakes can be erased, not forgotten, but erased... That is why I bought this big eraser lol... The book is mine, the life is mine and if I wish to erase it I will... I have erased many people and many experiences along the years… You can only succeed if you try and try again… And I will raise again, I have a lion inside me, sometimes he bites his own tale but when he wishes to, he can clear an hole forest… The lion is tired today, but there is always tomorrow… I know most people lost faith in me but I will never lose it… I know I have the strength I just need the reason… 



For now I will lay on the arms of the angel, the angel that protects my dreams... Just lay in his arms... I am a very small person today…