terça-feira, 16 de abril de 2013

I am not there, I did not die....

“Do not stand at my grave and weep,
I am not there; I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow,
I am the diamond glints on snow,
I am the sun on ripened grain,
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken in the morning’s hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circling flight.
I am the soft starlight at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry,
I am not there; I did not die.”

Mary Elizabeth Frye

It feels so nice to finally feel the warm sun on my face and to enjoy the blue bright sky all day long. It is amazing, automatically the weight on my shoulders got so much easier to carry. The sun is the best remedy after all, or maybe it´s the culmination of all the wonderful things that have been happening in my life – some of which came has a nice surprise. Ultimately it doesn´t matter what or who, just that I feel good! Damn I haven´t felt good for so so long, I can´t remember the last time I was at peace like this… A good 2 years or so…. Life is funny that way.

I was, for the billion time, thinking that I am an awful person for feeling good when I know there is a person that I love that has died, obviously I can´t be happy knowing it isn´t fair that I am here happy and he isn´t. Once in a while this poem comforts me, because this is how I feel about death and how I would like for people to feel when I am gone as well. Death is just a part of life and even though the “body” isn´t here anymore, the essence or soul, lives in us and it always will. The gift my dad gave me is in everything I do and in all I am, my life has a new meaning now I know how much family means to me, and they are all I need. I should appreciate life more - life is for the living, I know that but it still hurts so much! – I know he would like for me to have a wonderful happy and fulfilled life, because he knows I love him eternally.

I just wanted to leave this poem for you today... for you to think a little about it.. sometimes we need to. 

terça-feira, 9 de abril de 2013

Entry 8#

These last couple of days have been weird, well not that I don´t usually have weird days lol but these are feeling way different. The change that as come upon me hasn´t been easy to "take", every day I feel like I need to think through my feelings and make sure that I am giving myself what I need, what I now want. It sounds even weirder now but it´s been confusing this journey of self-discovery, and I hope I get the hang of it soon lol, I am so tired... 

Lately I have been changing my diet, which was something I never really cared for, but since I reduced my meat intake gradually, this past year, I now need a more balenced diet. I keep trying new recepies and mixture of ingredients (that I just try on my own lol), and I am really enjoying food and eating right. Since I felt ill I begun to eat toast and cappuccinos and sweets all day, I rarely ate "real food". Therefore I have been considering make posts, when I prepare a new meal lol, to post pictures here - you know like a typical personal blog lol... Since this is all in reference to me and getting better I think it could be interesting... 

"Girl at Mirror" by Norman Rockwell
The past weekend I began shopping for clothes again, which is a wonderful sign (yeah!). I have been loving to be alone with myself, to let my mind wonder, to read with passion again and write more about things that really matter to me (which for now are personal and hidden lool) and finally I enjoy look at the mirror and see me there. To take care of me, to take long baths and cover myself with crèmes and powders and lipstick lol, and choose cool clothes that make me feel confident - I missed feeling good just walking down the street and going to classes and not try to hide my face.
Hence the painting, I love art as you probably know, and I love painting and the traditional canvas paintings and all that jazz (My love for Van Gogh is clear). I recently discover this painter and this picture really inspired me - so innocent and pure, so much of what childhood should be of what I wanted it to be… And sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and see me in my “purest” state and I cry silently… It´s not a bad thing, it´s a “me thing”…

Finally I would love to share my new "thing" which is yoga respiration, and yoga in general lol - it takes a lot of preparation to do so... For now I am just learning to breath right, never knew I was doing it wrong! And I have just started yesterday but today I already felt a tiny difference while I was waking up and taking a long breath, I felt more at peace and happy! This just might work :D 

I´ll keep you posted

segunda-feira, 1 de abril de 2013

Entry 7#

I have been opening and closing my blog´s window so many times the last few days I wonder why it didn´t broke yet! It is not that that I am having an off moment, artistically wise, but I feel a little scare and in some ways like a brand new person that does not know how to express herself (I am not even sure if I am making myself clear). I told you before I was experiencing a new phase in my life and it feels completely different from everything I lived before. Maybe that is why I am a little shy about this change, but things are moving on so fast that I don´t feel comfortable yet. It´s not a question of self-doubt, because I know who I am and what I want, it´s just me trying to accept the fact that I am happy. I know this sounds weird but I have a tendency to feel extremely guilty towards my own happiness for I yet haven´t accomplish the impossible task, that I force on myself, to see everyone I love happy too. But that is a little problem I will deal as I always do… 

Vicent Van Gogh - "Sunflowers"

On a happier note I am truly and less culpable, happy and that is such an amazing feeling. I just wish I could say this words without sounding like a cliché but instead as an incentive to you, if you don´t feel particularly in love with your current self at the moment (as I was), to change your mind. Find a balance in my life is almost always impossible, up until now at least, I am always going back to my old routines and I suffocate with frivolous things in the hopes I forget why I don´t like who I am. Since I started this blog, and I have stated it here before, all of that changed slowly and I have been searching, up till the ends of my soul, to pour out my essence into words (discovering that it is the best therapy in the market). Now I know that those of you, that do not know me in person, will think I write publicly to make my friends like me or to be more popular… it is quite the contrary, since the people who do know me in person think they know me at all and therefore do not need to read my blog, for curiosity sake or otherwise (I write about other things apart from myself – not lately that is all). I sure love to prove them wrong, and for my own benefit, coming clean and really taking up on myself to change and improve my well-being (only and solely for my benefit) as shown to be extremely satisfactory. Or in other words, just what I needed to really begin a new chapter - and what I have always hoped – as the woman I want to be and not the adolescent and quite insecure person I used to be.  

Find the reason to love being alone with yourself - I find myself surprisingly entertaining (in my own head), don´t attach yourself to another person if you haven´t defined yourself as one and finally analyze the people in your life and feel comfortable in choosing the one´s that really contribute to your happiness instead of those you talk on your back (it takes time to know that so just be very cautious). And that is my recipe for happy new me :D.
Just learn to value yourself, I can´t stress this enough, because it took me a long time to realize that was my problem all along. If you are in a tight spot like I was and can´t really see yourself anymore just remember that what matters is what makes you truly happy – any other half feeling isn´t enough! And I am a good listener…

See you later yall :D