terça-feira, 5 de novembro de 2013

Entry 12#

Lately I haven´t been able to write, not for lack of time or will but sometimes I feel scared and doubt myself and my capacities – basically I can´t fail. Still my calling seems to follow me, even when I am trying to avoid it, and I have been getting signals that I should just do it and get it all out.

 Yesterday was a tough day for me, there´s a tradition in which the people gather and grieve their loved ones who have passed, like we are all obligated to go there and cry even if we don´t want to. I surely didn´t! I just tend to do everything my away and against everyone’s’ way. After years of a way too long battle I won, my family accepts and respects my wishes and believes, and no longer try to change me into their Christian ways. I have nothing against Christians or any other belief system; it is just not for me, period and end of sentence. So there I was enjoying my afternoon all by myself and I find myself thinking of my grandpa once again.

I should make a note here, lately I have been extremely happy and to continue so, I continually forbid myself of thinking too much about him. While this makes me feel selfish and terribly guilty, it also makes me have a sense of security in myself that I haven´t felt for years. I need balance, I need not to feel unhappy all the time because that was making me insane, and insane I will not be sir. I may repress some feelings but at least I live a little more than the day before and that is all I have right now. I need to be strong for my family and my friends, and I will be nothing but strong from now on.

Still yesterday was hard to keep my head from listening to what my heart was saying so loudly. I miss him damn it and I feel like someone ripped away my stupid heart and it will never be full, ever again! If God exists than he must hate me, because I do not deserve this horrible pain that chokes me every time I want to take a deep breath. I just needed him more than ever, i wanted to cry but I have cried so much I have fewer tears to shed so everything was bottling down inside me and i tried to go through my day as usual. But today I was bursting with pain; behind a smile I had a loud scream scratching my throat. Then someone asked me about the watch, my knees shook and my voice faded, and my eyes shone and for minutes showed the truth I was trying to suppress all day long. But I hung tough, I smiled and hung in there, whilst inside I was scratching and clawing to my heart, to make me strong. Then the painting, the painting I used in my first article, it was so much meaning to me, so much – like a knife that pain went through my soul and crushed my frail spirit. I hung in there until I was alone, so I cried and cried, all the frustration of my pain just came out silently and I felt a tiny little ant in a huge and scary world. In those moments I feel like I am so vulnerable anyone could strike me right on the heart and I would let them kill me there and then. I am a fool.

Yesterday I was eating a toast with jam. That jam always takes me back, to when I was just a toddler; I was on vacation with my family and I remember we had breakfast on the hotel and there would be little containers with that same jam. I loved me, still do! I remember the beach, the sun, the water, the laughter and the happiness of those moments together. We are a family, ups and downs like all but we love each other more than everything. I never knew what true love meant until I lost the man that taught me all I know, all I am, all I will ever aspire to be. Suddenly all these moments make sense, finally, they do. This is why I always remember my vacations when I eat jam, because they are associated in my mind to comfort, security and happiness. I was blessed, truly blessed and I never knew how much my love. I blame myself for not telling you, every second of every day, how lucky I am for having a father that loved me more than I ever deserved. Loved me even though I was not his daughter, loved me more than that. I wish I could tell you right now. I wish these tears would leave and bring you back to me. But I will love you forever and the warmth that lasts in my heart at the end of the day, tell me i don´t need to suffer no more, you live here, in my heart.