domingo, 3 de fevereiro de 2013

What´s Up?

Well it´s been a while since my last post, a long long time, and today I decided to be honest and tell you. I do not think many people care about my small and annoying problems, but for those who do I would like to say what has been going on with my life. I write what I know, and right now my life is all I know.

Everything came down on me so fast and so hard I did not have the capacity to process it or even write about it until right now, this precise moment.

You see I always thought of me as a good person, altruistic and even though I am a bit eccentric and “crazy”, I honestly care about everything and everyone. Even so, my karma has not been good to me (I am sure I was a very bad person in my other life) - I had to write this in English because I cannot express my feeling in words unless I believe most people won´t understand me, so I feel comfortable. I have been dealing with a huge and pretty uncomfortable depression since I was 17, which I had under control until April this year. I was mastering on the art of appearing normal and happy – fighting constantly against my urge to give up on me and smile. 

April the 30th my father died and so did I.

For months I had to deal with loads of problems which I think were unfairly throw at me in a moment of great grief. Grief does not come near to what I felt and still feel, I feel so much rage and despair, I feel I was punished because I was selfish before and I did not get a chance to redeem myself… It was a storm of feeling just suffocating me to the point I could not take anymore. 

Do not feel pity for me because I fought hard, I had to fight so many battles that you cannot imagine but I needed to do it for my family and in honor of my father – I regret nothing and I would do it all over again. I do not accept anyone trying to harm the 3 most important people on my life and I am not afraid of showing who I am and standing my ground – I might hate my life but I would not trade my essence for nothing…

But here I am, almost one year later, telling you I cannot move on. I drop down so fast and so low that now I barely have energy left to explain how I feel. I feel desperate because I do not want to die but I cannot live my life, I just can´t. I feel my brain and my body giving up day after day, and I try so much to get out of this hole but I have no energy left to help myself… I feel that if I move on it means I forgot my father, and I cannot do that! I feel so guilty if for one minute I am not suffering for my lost. I need to keep replaying the memories of my father and just live in my little word of pain. That right now is pretty much all I have, I have no contact or will to return to the real world. I live in a place of my own because most of the day I am numbed by the enormous quantity of prescribed drugs I use, and I pass that time punishing my heart for the loss of the person I love the most in the entire world. I have nothing left, no will, no dreams and no future... 

Sometimes I think about what it would be like to ask for help and have a good and big support system to help me get better and live a normal life – like in the Doctor Phil show. But then I remember that we live in a egoistic world and no one could care enough for me to do that, I honestly haven´t done a thing for people to like me that much. Unfortunately that is the true, and that is why the days go by and the pressure to live is so big that I find myself laid on my bed just praying to all the gods to just take me away… That is what is up… See you later…