But I picked myself up and dust myself off, like they say, but still I wondered Am I insane?
I was overdue to finish this post but for me it´s so hard to open up and I always need more time to reflect on what I want to share, what I need to let go and maybe help someone on the way.
Well these two weeks were a test, a really hard test that I was obligated to endure and figure out if all my training in self control and patience were really working out. I have to tell you, I was so scared of what could happen to me if I lost control; I freaked so much I wanted to give up and leave my house so I could avoid conflict. Well, I decided I shouldn´t, I have been working on myself so much, trying to be more forgiven and patient, so I owed it to myself; I realized this was part of my path to reach the next level, and I needed it. I hanged on tough and I felt incredible! When I felt the pressure, the provocations that used to make me blow up didn´t worked anymore, I smiled proudly in the face of the enemy and relaxed at last, I felt at peace. Since then, every day I wake up and feel amazing, I don´t feel sad and empty no more; I swear to you I feel the presence of my grandpa, stronger than ever, here on my shoulder supporting and watching me, I feel powerful. I am no longer scared of the future or what may happen because I had the proof I am in the way to become who I want to be.
Now here´s the lesson I took from this experience: if you want to be happy, but really truly happy, you just need to want it more than anything you have and will ever want in life. But I really mean it people, you might think “what a cliché”, it is but it couldn´t be more true. I tell you more, I was sick for 6 years of my life (I was just 17 and now I am almost 24), I was so sick I didn´t even realized how much. Most people judge me for the time I “lost” but that is just ignorance, depression is real and it hurts like hell. It took me 6 years and the lost of my dad to realize I had been dormant, I hadn´t been living at all; I was crippled because I blame it all on others but mostly I blamed it on myself, and that was always there putting me down. Oh I was stupid; I totally made myself insane with all the pain I had let fill my heart, for all those years; and this last year I finally open my eyes to reality and saw that I needed to deal with the truth. You can´t change what you don´t acknowledge; you have a disease you need to treat it, like in the AA, and this was the beginning of a long journey of self discovery and recover. I dove in all the dark places I had hidden all my sorrows and turned them upside down; I felt injustice had befallen me, I felt I was betrayed, felt rage, hate, unbearable pain, loneliness, I felt all of this over and over has I walked through every single thing that had stopped me from living my life (part of it was noticeable on all my previous posts). It was so awful to realize I had wasted years hating myself for things I had no control over, and blaming people for their choices and the way they affected me in the past. Why do we focus so much in what it could be than in what it can actually be? It is just the way we were raised to be, I think. And this is when I introduced Buddhism into my life; I needed something to help me understand what I was doing wrong, and consequently the reason why I felt down every single day. And that is the journey I am still making on my own, and that I intent to share with you, step by step.
So now I wrap it up with my conclusion on this particular topic. Insanity is a tricky word, and it shouldn´t be used lightly, but the reality is that sometimes people make you feel crazy because they can, and you shouldn´t let them. Doing the same thing over and over again will not lead you into the path of happiness, open up your mind and reevaluate your life; let the bad things go and once you reach the point where those don´t bother you anymore, that is when you know you´re being successful in turning your life around. This applies to everyone. And I will share some interesting things you are probably doing and shouldn´t and could definitely make a difference.