segunda-feira, 1 de abril de 2013

Entry 7#

I have been opening and closing my blog´s window so many times the last few days I wonder why it didn´t broke yet! It is not that that I am having an off moment, artistically wise, but I feel a little scare and in some ways like a brand new person that does not know how to express herself (I am not even sure if I am making myself clear). I told you before I was experiencing a new phase in my life and it feels completely different from everything I lived before. Maybe that is why I am a little shy about this change, but things are moving on so fast that I don´t feel comfortable yet. It´s not a question of self-doubt, because I know who I am and what I want, it´s just me trying to accept the fact that I am happy. I know this sounds weird but I have a tendency to feel extremely guilty towards my own happiness for I yet haven´t accomplish the impossible task, that I force on myself, to see everyone I love happy too. But that is a little problem I will deal as I always do… 

Vicent Van Gogh - "Sunflowers"

On a happier note I am truly and less culpable, happy and that is such an amazing feeling. I just wish I could say this words without sounding like a cliché but instead as an incentive to you, if you don´t feel particularly in love with your current self at the moment (as I was), to change your mind. Find a balance in my life is almost always impossible, up until now at least, I am always going back to my old routines and I suffocate with frivolous things in the hopes I forget why I don´t like who I am. Since I started this blog, and I have stated it here before, all of that changed slowly and I have been searching, up till the ends of my soul, to pour out my essence into words (discovering that it is the best therapy in the market). Now I know that those of you, that do not know me in person, will think I write publicly to make my friends like me or to be more popular… it is quite the contrary, since the people who do know me in person think they know me at all and therefore do not need to read my blog, for curiosity sake or otherwise (I write about other things apart from myself – not lately that is all). I sure love to prove them wrong, and for my own benefit, coming clean and really taking up on myself to change and improve my well-being (only and solely for my benefit) as shown to be extremely satisfactory. Or in other words, just what I needed to really begin a new chapter - and what I have always hoped – as the woman I want to be and not the adolescent and quite insecure person I used to be.  

Find the reason to love being alone with yourself - I find myself surprisingly entertaining (in my own head), don´t attach yourself to another person if you haven´t defined yourself as one and finally analyze the people in your life and feel comfortable in choosing the one´s that really contribute to your happiness instead of those you talk on your back (it takes time to know that so just be very cautious). And that is my recipe for happy new me :D.
Just learn to value yourself, I can´t stress this enough, because it took me a long time to realize that was my problem all along. If you are in a tight spot like I was and can´t really see yourself anymore just remember that what matters is what makes you truly happy – any other half feeling isn´t enough! And I am a good listener…

See you later yall :D