Those Days...

They sat by the window, he played the guitar and she sang about love and life... They spend their days wondering together, how much happier could their life be? There in the land of dreams where forever doesn´t seem long enough.

They promised each other to love and care, in sickness and in health - forever to each other... And they believed it would come true. Life those days seemed like jumping on clouds, and picking up forget-me-not´s and laughing in the rain... Happiness was all there was, and all there was ever going to be...

Free and happy, they both held each other in those moments of pain and lost; and sat side by side through the good moments life gave them...

Life was easier then, every problem was solved in the tenderness of a kiss, in the embrace of the bodies, in the act of pure love itself - they become one. 

 

They knew that was true love, because when it happens you know nothing in life ever compares to that. Those moments when the sun was setting and they had to say goodbye in the little bridge, oh those moments. Those were moments of pure happiness because they didn´t want to go, they couldn´t make themselves to say goodbye, and when they did they smile happier than ever - because the second they walked away they missed each other, and they knew they would have the rest of their lives to be together.

They talked for hours, about life and his mysteries, about their future and about nothing at all.. It didn´t matter what, they were inebriated by the clouds of love... It seemed all but so perfect... Walking side by side, hand on hand, smiling and laughing, kissing and feeling each others heart beat faster than the speed of sound....

Those were the days of their lives, the days they will never forget. For some it might look like a dream but not for them, because they will always have those memories... And nothing can take it away...

But life goes on, time passes, life happens and big dreams sometimes don´t last... Either way they will always have that bridge to come back to, when it hurts, when they finally realize... Maybe on the other side of that bridge he will be waiting for her, to hold her once more and forever.... 

 

Empty Soul

You see right through me,
Until the core of my soul.
You already know I have nothing
but a deep dark hole.

Once I dreamt of pink castles,
White shiny horses flying in the air.
Now I see nothing but black
Now I dream about nothing but despair.

My eyes have brand new colours,
Ones of grey, lighter or darker in the light.
My eyes once had life in technicolour
Now they are blind by these horrors, oh so bright....

But you see I am empty
Empty of beautiful and happy things.
My heart is full of sadness
My eyes can only bear the tears.

Leave me in the darkness
For I no longer deserve your light
Leave me stripped from all I am
For no longer I deserve to survive....

Silent Boat

Slowly, tenderly,
The touch of a rose.
Closely, strongly.
Don´t move, don´t change your perfect pose

I breath you, I live through you.
My lonely shadowy boat.
You picked me, you chained me,
I am drowning and only you can keep me afloat

I pick up the laughter I throw away the tears,
My destiny waits me
But still I am lost, I live within my fears!
I have no map, I have no keys.

My port is my safety
I cut the chain and still it chaises me
The horror, the sorrow, the days of tomorrow
The memories that cannot be relived,
The burden that cannot be relieved.

The guilt of doing nothing
The stillness of the guilt
The pain of feeling sorrow
The pain of feeling split

Too Little Too Little

So this is a story about me. About the real me. So not a story per say, but a confession, an honest confession. I am the most pity, small and egoistic person that have ever lived - and yeah I know "she is exaggerating", I thought so myself, up until now. All my life I have heard it: how selfish I am, how I try to manipulate people into liking me and pay attention to me, how I go through life using my "defect" to excuse myself when I screw everything around me. Meanwhile I suffer every little bit of pain coming from my own actions, the chaos I create everywhere I go.

It is hard to admit to yourself: you are a bad person, but when you live the life i have been living for the past 6 years, well you have no way to deny it anymore.... You are pure evil in disguise, but the mask falls and there you are looking at yourself in the mirror, realising you never knew yourself at all... I know people will think I am just saying this so you feel pity and tell me I am a good person, but you are wrong. I give up, I am just wrong, I just don´t belong here...

But even bad people deserve a second chance right? I believe so, if you admit it and you want to be better you have to have another chance.

I was giving up, nearly did today, because I lost the last thing that was real and important to me - then I felt that there was no point in going on with this game, cause no one buys this broken record anymore. I cannot be a normal person, I cannot do what normal persons do, I cannot live among them because I do not know how... My head is in another planet, my thoughts are always running through my mind all the time - sometimes I think I am dreaming all day long. Maybe that´s what makes me different, I don´t think I live in the same place other people do. Now you´ll all think I am being pretentious, oh she thinks she is so special just because her head is on the moon. I tell you: I am a freak, I live in my own world and I cannot live in the real one anymore, I forgot how, somewhere in the way...

But despite all of that I decided to give myself another chance, I thought since now I know who I am I can start to mend it somehow. Maybe one day live something similar to a normal life, in my own weird terms yes, but surely better than a big black hole i have been living since I don´t know when. I lost the sense of time, I lost my friends, the love of my life and the one person who believed in me - I pushed so hard they fall so hard they won´t ever go back. But I guess that is okey, I already live alone in my head most of the time, I just have to stretch it up and make my world be all that exists. And do what I have to do, like a nice working bee. While inside I live in my magical world, where everything is perfect and I am happy because there is no pain....

Not the best solution, you may think but it will work for me somehow... I am just freaky that way... I realise too late what I had, so now no matter what I do it´s too little... I cannot expect to be forgiven, because I can´t even forgive myself, I am not even sure if I deserve to be forgiven because I am guilty. I am a bad person and I am guilty for every pain I caused and I do not think I should be forgiven, I think I must live with my guilt and just accept it... Accept it or live like a walking dead... Live with my body, resign my mind to somewhere else, where it cannot hurt anyone else.

Reflexo

Por vezes sinto que estou a seguir o meu caminho, que estou a fazer a coisa certa. Sinto-me mais eu, sinto que me compreendo que todo o mundo me compreende.

Mas por vezes sinto-me perdida, naquele lugar onde estava a minha cabeça há tanto tempo atrás, onde eu me sentia segura - o meu mundo.... E nele tudo é perfeito porque as regras são minhas e não existe mais ninguém, por isso nada me pode magoar... 

Por vezes deixo alguém dar uma espreitadela no meu mundo, por vezes abro-lhes a porta e deixo-os morar lá dentro.... Sinto-me segura, sinto-me mais real, sinto-me protegida e amada, tudo é para mim, eu sou o número um, não há lugar para mais ninguém...

Por vezes não consigo abandonar o meu mundo mas sou abandonada lá, e olho-me ao espelho e não me reconheço - aquele reflexo é de uma outra pessoa qualquer que não sou eu... Mas eu detesto essa pessoa, essa pessoa faz-me lembrar de um outro mundo onde existem pessoas reais e felizes, um mundo onde eu não pertenço... 

Não, eu prefiro o meu mundo... Aqui eu sou alguém, eu encaixo... Mesmo que seja feito por mim, desenhado e cortado por mim... Mas é meu.. E mesmo que me abandones lá eu não saio, prefiro viver na sombra do meu reflexo ao invés de enfrentar a sua verdadeira forma, porque a dor é insuportável... Não, não dá para mais ninguém... Este mundo deveria estar fechado para toda a gente, porque é só meu... E quando lá estou ninguém mais existe, a dor não existe, nada mais existe, a não ser a sombra de mim... 

Tapo o espelho porque não aguento a memória daquele reflexo cansado, esgotado, castigado pela vida... Não, vou esconder-me no meu mundo e não sentir mais nada... Porque sentir é viver e eu não sei viver, não suporto sentir, não consigo sonhar, não posso continuar, estou na ponta do precipício... Mas não sou eu, aquele é o meu reflexo e dele já não me importa o futuro ou o presente... Estou no meu mundo ninguém me pode dizer que estou errada, porque não existe ninguém...