sexta-feira, 9 de novembro de 2012

Too Little Too Little

So this is a story about me. About the real me. So not a story per say, but a confession, an honest confession. I am the most pity, small and egoistic person that have ever lived - and yeah I know "she is exaggerating", I thought so myself, up until now. All my life I have heard it: how selfish I am, how I try to manipulate people into liking me and pay attention to me, how I go through life using my "defect" to excuse myself when I screw everything around me. Meanwhile I suffer every little bit of pain coming from my own actions, the chaos I create everywhere I go.

It is hard to admit to yourself: you are a bad person, but when you live the life i have been living for the past 6 years, well you have no way to deny it anymore.... You are pure evil in disguise, but the mask falls and there you are looking at yourself in the mirror, realising you never knew yourself at all... I know people will think I am just saying this so you feel pity and tell me I am a good person, but you are wrong. I give up, I am just wrong, I just don´t belong here...

But even bad people deserve a second chance right? I believe so, if you admit it and you want to be better you have to have another chance.

I was giving up, nearly did today, because I lost the last thing that was real and important to me - then I felt that there was no point in going on with this game, cause no one buys this broken record anymore. I cannot be a normal person, I cannot do what normal persons do, I cannot live among them because I do not know how... My head is in another planet, my thoughts are always running through my mind all the time - sometimes I think I am dreaming all day long. Maybe that´s what makes me different, I don´t think I live in the same place other people do. Now you´ll all think I am being pretentious, oh she thinks she is so special just because her head is on the moon. I tell you: I am a freak, I live in my own world and I cannot live in the real one anymore, I forgot how, somewhere in the way...

But despite all of that I decided to give myself another chance, I thought since now I know who I am I can start to mend it somehow. Maybe one day live something similar to a normal life, in my own weird terms yes, but surely better than a big black hole i have been living since I don´t know when. I lost the sense of time, I lost my friends, the love of my life and the one person who believed in me - I pushed so hard they fall so hard they won´t ever go back. But I guess that is okey, I already live alone in my head most of the time, I just have to stretch it up and make my world be all that exists. And do what I have to do, like a nice working bee. While inside I live in my magical world, where everything is perfect and I am happy because there is no pain....

Not the best solution, you may think but it will work for me somehow... I am just freaky that way... I realise too late what I had, so now no matter what I do it´s too little... I cannot expect to be forgiven, because I can´t even forgive myself, I am not even sure if I deserve to be forgiven because I am guilty. I am a bad person and I am guilty for every pain I caused and I do not think I should be forgiven, I think I must live with my guilt and just accept it... Accept it or live like a walking dead... Live with my body, resign my mind to somewhere else, where it cannot hurt anyone else.