Mais um dia....

Mais uma noite mal dormida, mais uma manhã triste, mais um pouco deste fado...

Como eu gostava de vos cumprimentar esta manhã com um sorriso rasgado mas a minha alma chora em agonia com esta imensa solidão.... A solidão é o meu melhor amigo e o meu maior inimigo, um paradoxo infinito que não me atrevo a desconstruir... 

Podia passar o dia olhando esta chuva fria que escorre pela minha janela, podia olhar todo o dia para ela e não sentir o peso das horas passando... Mas o meu desespero é tanto que não me deixo pensar á chuva, tenho medo de pensar - já não o sentia há uns meses - é um passo atrás... Parece que ultimamente só consigo dar passos para trás... Se pudesse só derrubar esta muralha que me impede de avançar mas aos poucos vejo-a fechar-se á minha volta... Mas não sei como, só consigo esperar que a chuva passe e que os dias, os meses, os anos passem - e que eu consiga parar de pensar nesta chuva.... 

Não quero falar, não quero pensar, não quero sentir! Hoje não quero ver mais que a minha janela nem ouvir mais que um triste fado... Só hoje (sempre o afirmo) vou deixar a tristeza invadir-me e não deixar que ninguém me agarre e me puxe... Não, hoje vou ouvir a chuva cair até adormecer no vale das minhas lágrimas, e amanhã é outro dia....

(Tirei a foto - yeah hoje fiz algo)

Em Português

Os últimos 4 posts foram em inglês por isso é mais que justo que escreva qualquer coisa em português. Não me sinto particularmente inspirada ou com alguma ideia em específico por isso vou dizer-vos que hoje me sinto bem. Bom não é? Isso é anormal!

Uma manhãzinha de compras seguida dum cappuccino(vicio!!!) e uma tarde muito boa com o meu mais-que-tudo *wink wink*. Todas as tardes contigo são assim :).

E agora encontro-me aqui a pensar que vou eu dizer aos meus caros leitores? Tenho visto alguns blogs e reparo que são focados numa temática e não saem desse campo. E penso, e eu? Que raio ando aqui a fazer? Ora eu sou uma pessoa que em bom português se diz: "É pau para toda a colher!", por isso não vou fazer o que os outros fazem, esclarecidos? Eu também. Por isso não se surpreendam se aparecerem novas rubricas completamente fora do que eu costumo fazer, porque eu sou assim!

Visto que não tenho nada para dizer, e para não vos fazer perder tempo vou colocar aqui umas imagens de coisas que estou a amar hoje! Espero que gostem!

O meu adorado Cappuccino com AMOR! Porque é uma paixão compartilhada com o meu amor!

 

Três séries que devorei hoje, Friends e Big Bang Theory é a nossa tradição de casal lol - American Horror Story Asylum é uma das minhas paixões,o terror, o crime e coisas dessas *weirdo* sim eu sei.

 

A pilha de acessórios continua a acumular-se na minha secretária e eu não consigo parar de empilhar lol. AMO ACESSÓRIOS!!! UHUH

E por fim a música que agora vou imortalizar com a minha laca "cof cof" porque a res está vazia e não vou incomodar muita gente *chiu*

Boa noite! :P

Entry 4#

Seems that misery does love company, you guys enjoy my crazy diaries more than my random thoughts about random things. I am sooo random. Yet since you are enjoying it so much, let me spread a little more misery here - not lol. I am sorry.

Well this few days actually have been a little better, after my breakdown in classes I got all RAMBO! You know what I mean? I am not let them make me cry anymore! THIS IS WAR! I am prepared to go for it and I did! I actually presented a poem on Friday which wasn´t half bad – I got the essential idea and I loved the poem! Just wished I hadn´t presented it with my boyfriend, because (if you don´t know him) he is a genius and made a spectacular presentation! If you do know him don´t tell him because he knows how good he is, he does not need me telling him that again… It is hard to date an artist when you are kind of an artist yourself. We defend our opinions strongly and we disagree a lot lol which is what makes us happy. Yes, we are a crazy couple! In the end I felt better about myself because I was capable of talking for 20 minutes without losing my train of thought, which hasn´t happened for a long time. YES I AM COMING BACK BRAIN!

Today I had trouble sleeping, yet again, so I went shopping of course! I bought some cute things :D that always makes my day. Yes I am a shopaholic sometimes lol. If you haven´t read this before people, I am all sorts of crazy.

So I am sorry today I am not miserable but I do hope you enjoy my happiness with me! Wasn´t that my first argument? Yeah you see? Random…. And now I am preparing for the worst time of the year by gathering as many books as possible, so I can involve myself in other worlds and ignore the merry all around. I AM NOT MERRY!!!! No need to be mad at me, I respect all so for those of you that enjoy Christmas lots of joy and happiness and presents and all of that for you…

“In one year they sent a million fighters forth

         South and North,

And they built their gods a brazen pillar high

         As the sky

Yet reserved a thousand chariots in full force—

         Gold, of course.

O heart! oh blood that freezes, blood that burns!

         Earth's returns

For whole centuries of folly, noise and sin!

         Shut them in,

With their triumphs and their glories and the rest!

         Love is best. “

Love Among The Ruins, Robert Browning  

(Wonderfull poem I analysed - just the last stanza look for it if you are interested. The painting was inspired by the poem it is "Love Among The Ruins" by Burne Jones)

Entry 3#

Well, this couple last of days have been a mixed of good and bad feelings. I really tried to see the good side of things but it is hard when a person has to take a hundred pills to fell alive! I mean it is a lot to handle on my own! Most people on my life don´t know or comprehend a quarter of what I have to go through every single day. It is a struggle just to get up and get out. I feel overwhelmed with the torments that haunt my mind.

These last few days have been very hard for me to manage and control my actions; I realized I have been in a state of unconsciousness until now. All of the sudden everything comes like a tornado and turns my head upside down! I have been anxious and low and so powerless. I feel like I cannot do anything, even If I tried.

I feel on the hedge of having a nervous breakdown, and I possible will because my head is exploding just thinking about everything I have to do. It is too much!

Now…  Good things? Men, is it hard to see the light when you feel so blue. I guess I feel that by forcing myself to attend more classes, it helped me to come back to the real world. I have been enjoying some movies I have seen lately - that always keeps my mind occupied. I am tired just doing those things: my head hurts all the time, I have been suffering a lot with my allergies and other diseases and I haven´t slept well in like a week and a half. Things have been chaotic. I am even ashamed to admit I broke into tears in a class today because the teacher told me I wasn´t going to do the project therefore I would fail that subject. It was just the accumulation of things on my mind, and I could not kept that awful box locked in the closet.

(Not mine I haven´t kept my promise today but I lack of imagination these days and honestly I am too tired. I just want my capuccino and sleep)

After all this bad aura I still feel like I have strength enough to power through, I always did and I don´t know why that is.  I feel I can make it, no matter how miserable and how discouraged I feel right now – I sense that I will make it one way or another. I´d call that something really positive. I love my boyfriend, that is always there to dry my tears, and sometimes I feel I have no one else but him. I would like to have friends, sometimes I fell I need a friend or two. On the other hand I guess it wouldn´t make a difference, friends come and go and never ever stay – I am just a bundle of joy. Too much to handle. I am my own friend most of the time, sometimes I am really upbeat and really put myself on the move, other times I just cannot fight my unconscious stupid mind. 

I am really tired now so I am going to sleep because tomorrow it´s going to be a very stressful day so I hope I can rest today. I am crossing my fingers for tomorrow to bring me happier surprises. One day at a time, just keep my head above the water. Hope you guys feel better than me today and I encourage you to tell me good things about your day as well! It is a very good exercise indeed. Love you all.

xoxo

  

(*Lately I have been hearing Maria Callas to fall asleep it has been working so if you are having troubles sleeping it is an idea:) )