quinta-feira, 13 de dezembro de 2012

Entry 3#

Well, this couple last of days have been a mixed of good and bad feelings. I really tried to see the good side of things but it is hard when a person has to take a hundred pills to fell alive! I mean it is a lot to handle on my own! Most people on my life don´t know or comprehend a quarter of what I have to go through every single day. It is a struggle just to get up and get out. I feel overwhelmed with the torments that haunt my mind.

These last few days have been very hard for me to manage and control my actions; I realized I have been in a state of unconsciousness until now. All of the sudden everything comes like a tornado and turns my head upside down! I have been anxious and low and so powerless. I feel like I cannot do anything, even If I tried.

I feel on the hedge of having a nervous breakdown, and I possible will because my head is exploding just thinking about everything I have to do. It is too much!

Now…  Good things? Men, is it hard to see the light when you feel so blue. I guess I feel that by forcing myself to attend more classes, it helped me to come back to the real world. I have been enjoying some movies I have seen lately - that always keeps my mind occupied. I am tired just doing those things: my head hurts all the time, I have been suffering a lot with my allergies and other diseases and I haven´t slept well in like a week and a half. Things have been chaotic. I am even ashamed to admit I broke into tears in a class today because the teacher told me I wasn´t going to do the project therefore I would fail that subject. It was just the accumulation of things on my mind, and I could not kept that awful box locked in the closet.

(Not mine I haven´t kept my promise today but I lack of imagination these days and honestly I am too tired. I just want my capuccino and sleep)

After all this bad aura I still feel like I have strength enough to power through, I always did and I don´t know why that is.  I feel I can make it, no matter how miserable and how discouraged I feel right now – I sense that I will make it one way or another. I´d call that something really positive. I love my boyfriend, that is always there to dry my tears, and sometimes I feel I have no one else but him. I would like to have friends, sometimes I fell I need a friend or two. On the other hand I guess it wouldn´t make a difference, friends come and go and never ever stay – I am just a bundle of joy. Too much to handle. I am my own friend most of the time, sometimes I am really upbeat and really put myself on the move, other times I just cannot fight my unconscious stupid mind. 

I am really tired now so I am going to sleep because tomorrow it´s going to be a very stressful day so I hope I can rest today. I am crossing my fingers for tomorrow to bring me happier surprises. One day at a time, just keep my head above the water. Hope you guys feel better than me today and I encourage you to tell me good things about your day as well! It is a very good exercise indeed. Love you all.


(*Lately I have been hearing Maria Callas to fall asleep it has been working so if you are having troubles sleeping it is an idea:) )