Entry 2#

I know technically I should write one of these per day, but what you don´t know is that I wrote the first entry yesterday – and it was a presentation so here I am again.

So yesterday I was writing some stuff for my blog and for the paper (and just for me) – I was relaxing in the puff during my boyfriend´s band rehearsal. I can tell you guys: both Chopin and Flatten clean my mind and make me think straight; I get my best ideas listening to trash metal, isn´t that something? Yeah I am a little bit weird.

So that was fun, I haven´t done that in a long time – it felt familiar and comfortable – perfect place to write for me. And I got a wonderful little present (being the guitarist´s girlfriend has its perks :D) a beautiful handmade candle support – that I wanted for so long! The drummer is very crafty!

(I am also trying to take decent photos to post along with my journals, mainly things I like or things I did and loved to do, something like that. So this is one of my favourite things, my stuff lol. My frame a present handmade by my boyfriend; my lovely budas that always make me take a look at myself before I leave my room - i will explain it later; my night cream lol and the candle support - isn´t it lovely? It is quite incredible the things he can do)

Today was also a good day, even though I felt like sleeping all day, I got up and went to my class. It was painful at first lol but then I rocked my Brian Adams impersonation whilst walking to school (Yeah I sing to myself on the street and I also talk to myself… laugh all you want I have the most amazing conversations with myself – and I am entertaining even if only I get my jokes). Do I need to say a million times I am weird? I am, but who´s normal? What is normal? I do what makes me happy, even if that makes me dance while I walk – whatever I can do I do it!

I was more upbeat when I got to the classroom, I was feeling energized and I wear some clothes I picked up carefully - that made me feel pretty (Yeah I am that kind of person, I care about my image, when I stop caring that´s when problems hit me).  I was rocking my booties – which don´t hurt anymore because of those wonderful gel thingies that are like cushions for my feet! :D

Best part of the day? Realizing people missed me in classes, and here I was thinking that no one noticed that I wasn´t there! That was awesome :)…. And my boyfriend is the most wonderful friend and love I have ever met. He makes me feel loved every day I LOVE YOU SWEETIE, and always tries to make me smile, he makes me happy…

And lots of love to all of you – I feel peaceful today.

Entry 1#

Hey there guys! So I kinda have to write a sort of “diary” where I have to describe at least one good thing that happens to me, every day. I am not a “diary-type” person; I was never able to write more than 4 days in a row and I used to tore the pages out the next day, I swear. Before this blog I wasn´t even able to read anything that I had wrote, ever! Yeah I know I am very insecure, sue me! So I am committing myself to write at least 3 times a week, for now, and unfortunately (or maybe not) for those who read me and don´t understand a word of English it will be a pity lol. Actually no, the pain is on you who will - I am terrible at this. The reason why I write in English, and those who are close to me know this, I do it often when I talk about the deep stuff, the things that you would hear me say in Portuguese with tears on my eyes – it´s not that bad I am just built that way. And I apologize already if I do commit grammatical or any other kind of language errors, I am far from perfect.

You see the thing is I never believed I could ever write something that was worth reading, not even just for me. But suddenly when I opened myself and dedicated myself to put my thoughts and opinions – basically commit to this blog - I discovered that people actually appreciated what I was writing, and I won´t lie, it made me feel great! Besides I never finish anything I start, I am too insecure so I just give up before I can get disappointed. So this was an enormous step for me, and it worth’s every day – it makes me feel good to be appreciated.

As far as my diary goes I will call it “entries” (I hate the “My dear diary” stuff), that may become a book that one day might be called biography lol I am sure I will be very famous by then and these words my friend will make me some serious money yeah :D. You see even in English I try to avoid the touchy subjects – I am a serious nut case. But I was able to maintain the blog, more or less, up-to-date so I am checking this one more challenge on my list – I promise to do the best I can. And as I always always do, be the most honest Joana I can be, because that is my philosophy (but that will make another nice story for another day).

Well this was kind of a presentation to my newest “project” regarding my blog, and maybe -who knows? - I may attract international readers, am I not the greediest little writer you have ever seen? Well it´s my blog, I can dream if I want to! I get a little aggressive too when I write in English lol – and you guys thought I didn´t had any more tricks up my sleeve muahahahah :D. I kid you guys, this thing is a huge step for me and I cannot believe I am actually doing it. So there you go: This is one of the good things of today and I think it is a lot! I promise I will try not to joke so much - because I get a little nervous when I am going to the dark place and try to fetch one beam of light - and keep it smaller and concise because I let myself go easily. Above all I try not to feel the urge of deleting it tomorrow.

My motto these days is live one day at a time and as someone said to me just focusing on “keeping my head out of the water” lol - Portuguese proverbs sound so funny in English. Well that is pretty much it for today my lovely friends and readers – I am crossing my fingers hoping this “thing” works out.

Xoxo

*(Because I love a good old cliché)

Empty Soul

You see right through me,
Until the core of my soul.
You already know I have nothing
but a deep dark hole.

Once I dreamt of pink castles,
White shiny horses flying in the air.
Now I see nothing but black
Now I dream about nothing but despair.

My eyes have brand new colours,
Ones of grey, lighter or darker in the light.
My eyes once had life in technicolour
Now they are blind by these horrors, oh so bright....

But you see I am empty
Empty of beautiful and happy things.
My heart is full of sadness
My eyes can only bear the tears.

Leave me in the darkness
For I no longer deserve your light
Leave me stripped from all I am
For no longer I deserve to survive....

Silent Boat

Slowly, tenderly,
The touch of a rose.
Closely, strongly.
Don´t move, don´t change your perfect pose

I breath you, I live through you.
My lonely shadowy boat.
You picked me, you chained me,
I am drowning and only you can keep me afloat

I pick up the laughter I throw away the tears,
My destiny waits me
But still I am lost, I live within my fears!
I have no map, I have no keys.

My port is my safety
I cut the chain and still it chaises me
The horror, the sorrow, the days of tomorrow
The memories that cannot be relived,
The burden that cannot be relieved.

The guilt of doing nothing
The stillness of the guilt
The pain of feeling sorrow
The pain of feeling split